Crack Rock, Crack Rock

Heart breaking and tears. Even if i have right to feel this way.

Down

I'm stressed out
About the transition of positions at work, about people at work and my current relationship status' with people. Plus my extensive to do list in my personal life and work life. I feel I'm running out of time. There is not enough hours in the day and I dont even watch TV. Is there even time to take a lunch break at work? I dont know where to start to fix it so I'm doing nothing right now. Talking about it makes me cry so I'm gonna take tinkles for a walk instead.

Frank Ocean says 'Girl you're lost, lost in the heat of it all, lost in the thrill of it all'. I knew this song would somehow be meaningful to me.

Stay The Same, Please

Wont things be easier if we didnt have feelings to consider. Confronting bosses, ending relationships, feeling lonely.. without feelings then decisions will be easier to make. But God gave us feelings to help us judge what is ethical and moral. Which means feelings should make decisions easier to make??



This taste in my mouth reminds me of something in particular. I recall the process that would most likely occur after. I recall what it feels like. The initiation or the slight awkwardness of 'sooo.. now what?' How good it felt... Initiation was exciting. I close my eyes now and remember. It was a totally new experience, raw, real, and nothing else at the time meant anything. Moments like these make you accidentally blurt out 'I think I love you' (and then regret it immediately after). How I miss it now. I miss this taste. I drive home with a heavy heart and heavy lips purposely pressed together. I bite my lips so I can feel something familiar. These surrounds are familiar but I look away because I don't want to remember too much or it will make me sad. Too late. It really is such a pity.

It really is quite rare to experience those genuine 'nothing else matters' moments' especially for me. I'm addicted to them because it makes me feel special/good. Elated. With all the shit that I have to worry about in my life its nice to meet someone who can take you away for a moment of escape. Smile. It's magical.

Elation.


Bonobo - Stay The Same

Who Knew It Would Come To This

This has been an angry, frustrated weekend. It continues to Monday. I'm so fucking angry and I don't have an idea of how to get rid of all this hot air. If I was Vman I'd go to the gym, boxing, arnis so I could bash up some cunts until people held me back and tell me to calm the fuck down. I have nothing to do but scream and clench my jaw, I cannot clench it any harder and this stress is still here. I cant slam doors hard enough.. I punched the corner of my doors to release some negative energy and also injure myself to take the frustation away.. UGHHHH!!!

FUCK

I'm angry because I'm a good person and I have good intentions. Someone has betrayed my trust, humiliated me, hurt my pride, taken something from me, invaded my privacy or gone against my morals and done it in a way that has infuriated me. They did something that was not fair and I have the biggest issues with unfairness and equality. ITS ALL THEYRE FAULT

Dr. Dre angry music is pumping on my computer, my volume is on max but its not loud enough. Dr. Dre isnt angry enough for my mood. I'm power-walking around my house, pulling my hair, rapidly changing directions. I can taste it at the back of my throat again, i feel like I need to vomit but theres not enough down there. I want to bash something, cut something up, scream til I'm exhausted, crash my car into a garage door. I want to run my sisters rug over with a lawn mower to fuck it up. I want to destroy something beautiful so I can feel fucking normal again. I want something else to feel the pain I'm going through!!!!

And then in the end I want to cry because after all the destruction, and when the physical pain settles in because the brain has no more morphine, I am still helpless. Still. But now I'm injured in ways that arent just superficial. How pathetic. I'm worse than before. I still have the same fucking problem and the only way I want to solve it is by running away to the Philippines and leaving everything behind. No one, not even me can make me better. Now I think that maybe, its not their fault.. It's my fault. I'm in the wrong. Where do I stand?? So confused.

Angriness to pathetic in less than 5 minutes.

DEFEATED. If you wanna knock me down, bash my head in, yell your abuse at me, now is your chance. I won't fight back.

I cant tell anyone about it. They love it when I'm down. I cant tell my friends, they dont understand. I hate that crying is the only thing I know that brings me back to zero. I hate crying because I'm so much fucking stronger than that. I've become immune to all the shit I get from people who I know will treat me like shit. But once in a while, someone who means something to me will also seem like their treating me like shit. Thats when it cuts and hurts the most. I let my guard down to welcome you into my life, and you fucked me over. I'm so stupid. You're so selfish.

'Sometimes you need to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve'

As much as I say I can and will, I cant just shut you out of my life. You mean something to me. And honestly, I just want to be your friend. It makes me angry and sad that I have to fight for it. I dont know if its worth fighting for anymore, especially if your not fighting for me. I'm so very upset. Words cannot express. This is so unfair for me.


I hope you read this. Of all my posts, this one means the most.

Lemme know whatsup because I'm giving up on you.

Bored Again

On a quest for something stimulating.

I've not work today. I did a 2am maccas run to Ballarat Road with Efren after I had convinced him he was missing the taste of chicken nuggets, frieds and apple pie. He didnt know if until I described them over facebook chat. I stuffed myself and I felt sick, a large big mac meal was not necessary but that FRESH big mac burger was.

I went to sleep about 3 or 4am and woke up at 2pm the next day. Sooo depressing because all day I stayed home being bored and lonely. Aww i wanted to go to the pet store and look at some doggies.

Despite my free time, I'm stressing over a lot of things at the moment. I dont want to elaborate on matters at the moment because I just wanna forget about them.

The weathers been really nice lately. I love warm summer nights where tshirts and short shorts are all you need. It's better to be homeless in hot weather bcoz the maintenance is less. Sometimes I think about my friend Cheese and how funny she is. I'm sad because the jwow family is breaking up and things arent the same anymore. I feel sorry for yao with all the pressure that is put on to him now that he is the sole manager of jwow. I anticipate the repetition of problems he will face in the future. My cousin is finding it difficult to find a job, and is getting restless because she wants to work already. Her medical condition seems to be worsening. I'm worried about my future, my present - that it is heading no where. I'm worried that I dont have enough money to support myself since my hours are cut. I'm worried about my romantic situation/s because I dont know what's good for me anymore. I dont know what I want from people and I worry about what impression im giving them. i want it to be the right impression. I'm worried about my dad, who is sick and vomiting with a migraine. He is growing old and old and when I visit him he talks more to vman than he does to me. Im worried he will die soon and I will never feel close to him. It makes me sad. I dont know what's going on with him and if he's happy. I want to know he is happy. I think about myself, and the reason why i havent got anywhere in life is beacuse im so fucking self indulgent. People my age are owning and running businesses, travelling, waking up early and ticking off a to do list. Where am I heading? How am I gonna make it big in this world? I dont know. I'm content occupying my time with little things such as shopping, seeing which nose stud looks better on me, saving pictures of tattoos but never making any for myself, putting my make up on.. I dont even know how to cook. My insides must be all rotten with all the shit I give it because I dont know how to cook. I've wasted so much time and right now im wasting time. But where do i start ?

I think sometimes that I am needy and that people find me annoying. I wish I wasnt. I also think I dont appreciate what I have, I always want more. But what I need is right in front of me.

Fuck You V-Day

Owww my heart hurts :(

Must stay happy or appear to be because haters hate it when I'm happy.

Vman got me ube cake. Then I walked Twistie

R.I.P. Nikon Camera

We've had good times together. I took you all around the world with me. You were my ally. I'm sorry that I took you to Philippines and exposed you to 36degree humidity which probably fucked up your internal systems. I'm sorry I dropped you twice at the British Museum and fucked up your flash. But you did help me get $418 back from insurance. Still, I kept you because I love you. Usher - Superstar

Greener Over There

Rooftop Bar

World

Crown Casino CNY

James' place

Il Primo Posto

Crown Casino CNY

Home

Furlong Road kebab joint

Airport look outs

We found a sweet airport look out where the aeroplane takes off right at you and flies over the top of your car. The sound is just tolerable and when the aeroplanes are big, they are very close to the ground. If the plane were to crash after landing, we would be the first to die. It's kinda thrilling, doing something you enjoy (watching the plane fly into and then on top of you) and knowing you could be the next Air Crash Investigation victim.

How sad. I find thrills in near death experiences because I feel nothing but numbness.

The last time I came back from holiday I was mega hyped for life. I was so motivated but now its the total opposite. Last night was a shit night and I went home tipsy, when I am at my most sociable and energetic. I went HOME. Nothing to do and no one to do it with. This was shit. I lay in my bed and whatsapped. Thank god for whatsapp. Nevertheless I still felt so alone.

Im sick of asking people, hey what you doing tonight/tomorrow/now, lets hang out, what do you wanna do, where do you wanna go, I WANT SHEESHA and then getting rejected. I need more friends. You realise that everybody has their own lives and you've gotta entertain yourself most of the time. I dont like that. I like company. Otherwise i get depressed.

I recall this sick desperation to meet people. The extremes we go to, dodgy chat rooms, bars getting drunk so talk is easier, whatever, this is fucking sad.

I was happy to be home after phils. I missed being free to roam without body guards, missed no one staring at me, missed wearing my usual clothes, missed the Aussie foods like parmas, pasta and real fruit juice and i missed the non-polluted air. But when I'm here, I miss hanging around with my black sheep cousins, drinking, affording everything, eating whatever the fuck I wanted..

Going home I wasnt even home yet but I was anticipating the feeling I got yesterday going home early. Helen said it was normal, just book another holiday and look forward to that. Sigh.

I come back to the same surroundings, same people, same feelings, same problems, same work, responsibilities, wake up time.. is this my fucking reality? Why?? Holidays. Thats my kind of reality and this life I'm living now is all a bad dream. I'm gonna make holidays my reality, you bitches can keep sleeping, keep your tossing and turning.

Seeing Philippine Airline flight to Manila today gave me the reoccurring idea of running away to philippines and never come back. I can go to Manila, go to a modelling/TV/advertising agency and apply.. I can learn to speak Tagalog if they like. They'll love me because I'm mistisa, a mixed blood. I can make it big there and never have to face my problems here. I watch the plane lights disappear into the sky.

'Bye Bye'

It's a shame that running away from your problems signifies cowardliness. Maybe I am. Or maybe I just like running.

Most people like getting with their good friends/family and talking about their problems. I may drop little hints and answer your questions but I rarely do more because I'm not comfortable telling anyone the shit I'm on. I share the idea of 'me against this world', 'born alone die alone', 'trust never', kinda shit.

I think that spending time with friends and being happy will help me get over my shit. But on the way home today I felt sad because I know I was coming home to my same old empty bed, wake up with the same ... I cant depend on others to make me feel better. I feel stupid with al the things I buy to make me happy because in the end all that wont make a difference. I'm sad because i feel its all up to me to make me better and I dont know how, when, what, where .. who..

I gotta find something to fill my empty life with. A man isnt fit for living if he hasnt found something to die for. At the moment, I'm scheming how the fuck I'm going to get filthy fucking rich.

Crown CNY

Nothing To Say Because We Left It To The Eyes

It's been well over a month since if seen any Facebook updates. I've resisted the urge to check your page to see what's up. Decent effort for me. I must congratulate myself. That's how it will be from now. Sometimes there's no point in saying what you hold inside. It won't make a difference to future circumstances. Let's not dwell on it. Chin up and let the sun melt your darkness away. Away, away, away. I'm going away.

Krusty Ass Stoned Trooper

Every time my sydenham train turns into another sydenham train at the city loop I feel like staying on it and riding it home again. Last night was VIP melbourne central shopping day where selected stores go on sale. We were 20% off store wide. We were mentioned on the radio. Weeeee, me me me!

It was crazy hectic. There were 24 girls working yesterday. Three or four of us getting/putting away stock and two girls on telephone sales. Two girls on register, two stair bitches and the rest on floor serving customers and making sure bogans dont steal shit. Poor floor girls, there were so many people it was difficult to know who was greeted, who was being served.. it was claustrophobic and you were breathing other peoples used air. This shit's craaaaay but it was fun because I like it when shit hits the fan. I was getting stock, I'm getting so much faster at it. They thanked me for my hard work and told me I was a gun.

I finished work at 8pm last night, got home at 930pm and was ready to crash. I had work at 8am today. But after I shower I feel so refreshed im ready to pump it for another three hours. I call Dave for a 11pm kebab run but he's at home eating fried rice. I came over his and he fed me, the little food beggar that I am because I dont know how to fend for myself. And when I do, I eat things like:

Plain BBH noodles

I got home at 12:30am and had 6 hours sleep. Waking up is always a bitch and I'm so adamant that after work I'm gonna come home and sleep for 8 hours. But its not so bad when you're actually up. I dont like taking showers in the morning because it just puts me to sleep again. Apples in the morning, however, are good.

Up til now, I've eaten an apple and pear. I dont have time to sit down for a meal. I wonder if I can survive on fruit for the rest of my life. Monkeys do it.

So I've finished my shift for today and I'm on my way home to hang out with vman. I was thinking to stay out and drink from 1-10pm but I've declined having dinner with vman three days in a row so today I should pull through. Except vman gets angry at me on the phone because I called him boring and plans are cancelled. I'm on my way home for nothing. I could have been getting smashed right now.

Also on my way home I realised I worked at the wrong place today and the wrong time! I did one job from 8am-1pm when I should have been at D doing 11-5pm god damnit. I'm on my way home at 1:30pm and I should still be at Myer!! Fuck. Thats why people at work were surprised that I was in. D didnt call me which means I couldn't have fucked up too bad.

Even though, I hate letting people down. I feel guilty. I hope this isnt a sign of my downhill spiral of forgetfulness, disorganisation, ... and other bad descriptive words as a result of my seemingly workaholic self. The last time I had a day off was 3 weeks ago when I called in sick for my house BBQ.

Mind, body and soul feel weak. I take nana naps but I still wake up feeling tired. What do I have to do?? I wanna cry because I dont know what else will make me feel better. I'll admit it. I feel defeated. Let me rest for a bit before I get back up again.

Daily Harden The Fuck Up Juice

I'm in the process of letting go something that I've wanted and dreamt about for so long. Like a heroin addict spending her first night trying to get clean. I've been lying here wishing I could sleep this off but I can't. Pain keeps me awake. It wants me to suffer. It won't stop until I've hit rock bottom. I just wanna get there already. Kill me now. Kill. Me. Now. Gotta keep my mind off shit. I have so much going for me. Vman never made me cry.

The Urge

I had a growing epiphany lying in bed awake last night. I thought the situation that begun as fun and games, shits and giggles may actually be something more. All the elements are here, holy shit, this could really be something beautiful.

That familiar feeling when you have lots to say but you hold it in for the right moment to awkwardly blurt it out. You tell yourself 'ill say it when this happens, when that happens, I'm too shy.. oh next time' and then you don't get a next time or the message initially intented is not communicated or worse, is no longer felt.

Things on my behalf have changed. I don't know if anyone has noticed but there is definetly something in the air. Chemistry. To the disadvantage of some, I care less. I am more selfish than normal. To the advantage of others, I am unusually forgiving - my emotions swinging from anger to being madly in 'loke'. This is bad for me because there is a valid reason why I was angry in the first place and people cant just fuck me up so bad and get away so easily. How dare they put a spin on my emotions like its the Wheel of Fortune.

I know what to do. Let the disadvantaged few know of my concerns, which may not necessarily be the whole truth, let them know I am doing this in their best interest. The advantaged - let them know truth and emotion and leave it at that. They're not in a position to do anything about it anyway. Which will leave me alone. How will I cope. I've become so dependent. Perhaps its time to learn another lesson.

Most of the time I create a little bubble for myself to protect me from being hurt. I love living ignorantly and in denial. I don't know how else to cope. I'm pathetic in that way. However, there are times I go outta my way to find information to hurt me, emotionally speaking of course. I am naturally a hopeful and optimistic person, 'Yes I Can! Yes I Will! Yes IT will!' but sometimes I wanna hurt myself now so later it wont be such a let down. I dont know if in this instance, the 'harden-the-fuck-up' dosage is appropriate.

Oh there, I gone and done it again. Hurt. I immediately back away. Suddenly the my plans are abandoned. It's probably not such a good idea. I'm so confused.

Michael: Did you have a big night last night?

Me: I didn't sleep last night.

Michael: Why not?

Me: My rabbit died!!

Michael: Oh thats why, You didnt seem your normal self

Michael, my face-to-face interviewer at Max Employment, a Centrelink related program designed to keep Australians employed, has only met me once before. Today was the second time. I rocked up to the 9am appointment in home clothes, no make up, eyes black and nose piercing looking painful.

My ipod played a song that reminded me of a certain time driving home to urs in my car. The next soppy love song was Donnell Jones 'All Her Love' (but only half the time) and the 3rd soppy song at Max Employment was some 2000's pop song that I didnt like back then because I found it overtly depressing/attention seeking. But there comes a time when all these shitty soppy songs get to you, every lyric applies to you, and you feel like bursting into tears.

I cant help but feel a great sense of loss. Am I too late to change it?

I wish I didn't have work so I could stay home all day and think about you.

You Dont Know So Shut The Fuck Up

After the shock, the sadness, the anger, the heartbreak and feeling scared and betrayed.. After the uncontrollable hand temors and unnaturally fast heart beats and the sudden drop of body temperature.. After the foul taste at the back of your mouth and out break of sweat.. After the flow of tears and silent screams into your pillow that release an emotional climax comes the numbness.

Congratulations. You have now hit rock bottom.

This is my favourite part, the part when I become invincible. Do your worst, nothing can hurt me now.

(Too bad being invincible doesnt last more than 10 minutes). Born alone, die alone.

Die. Die. Die.

And that will be all.

____________

Tonight is one of body polluting. Sheesha and my favourite red wine, listening to my fav Dr. Dre beat about 'when im sober you aint that fine', stuffing myself with dim sims and party pies. You know you have a problem when you're body polluting alone, at 11pm well into the night, and when you've got work tmrw morning.

If this world is a dog eat dog world then I can play that game back. Fuck you all who Fuck me over. It's my happiness over everything.

GABOS.

I'm lightheaded already.

*Lighthearted

Bad Start

Can't help but feel a little annoyed. Frustrated. I feel this isn't my fault but there is nothing more they could've done to make it better. Except perhaps, doing what they fucking said they would. Integrity is important to me. A lack of integrity equals a lack of my respect. I'm in bed, I haven't even woken up and already I feel angry. I need to shake this negativity off because if I carry it with me and have a shit day in this shit weather. Sometimes, rarely, I don't know what to do to make myself feel better. lately I've felt I just wanna go home to an empty house and cry my eyes out like a baby. I wanna have a good cry in my pillow under the covers and feel sorry for myself for a couple of hours. lately I've felt that would make me better. except I have no tears to shed. I don't remember the last time I cried or felt like I wanted to. I had a dream last night. I was discussing what movie to watch with Cookie, the ex junkie from RocknRolla. I was also sitting on Carlo's lap thinking, hrm its funny who becomes more important in ur life as time goes by. You meet people and they start off as hi/bye friends but no one knew they would mean so much more. That thought just picked me up a bit, I feel a little happier. Today I'm going to treat everyone (most) with the notion that they could potentially become someone important to me. Okay. Time to get the fuck up.

Hiding.

My heart is breaking. Hope you feel special.

Exit Through The Gift Shop

I smoke til I feel like I need to vomit. Rest. Then repeat.

Indulge. Indulge. Indulge. There is no harm in pleasure.

I am fearless, because I have feared.

Get that tatted on my back with the first three letters in larger type or perhaps like:

I am

FEARLESS

because I have feared

with emphasis on fearless and surrounding words much smaller. Information hierarchy, I'm obsessed with it and the meaning behind typographic representation. Have I earned such a tattoo?

Ive watched the street art doco Phuong bought me. It's inspired me to paste up nonsensical artworks in the public areas in the city. I'm starting with Jwow. It's sketch book time.

I cant write under pressure or when someone tells me to write. My usually talkative mind goes blank. This is the case when designing. You can't force creativity, it needs to be triggered by inspiration or sometimes it just needs time to settle in your brain and an epiphany strikes at the most unlikeliness of times e.g.

• in the shower
• brushing teeth
• walking to car

but not during entertainment activities (i find anyway) where thoughts arent triggered e.g. watching tv, reading a book as your mind doesnt work, it just watches. I do like writing my blog. I am a slightly different person in my blogs than I am in person. Perhaps you couldn't match our conversations to these blog posts. I wonder if I can make a living out of blogging. That would be a sweet sweet life indeed.

'Little darlin' dont you see the sun is shining

Just for you, only today'

'Nature's got me high and its beautiful'

- Jamioquai

I find it funny how today was sunny and 28 degrees while tmrw is raining and 16 degrees. What a massive difference. It went from summer to winter. Melbourne, you are unpredictable and thats what I love about you. You're always switching things up, throwing weather types from the other end of the scales.

I'm working at Myer tmrw. 12 - 5 pm of easiness. What am I going to wear? I love how the sun sets later and later. Hurry up and set at 9pm.

____________________

I miss you.

Suck it in and put it away. Hold it. Hide it. Store it. In a pretty box at the back of the cupboard. Let it collect dust and cobwebs. Save it for one day in the future. But live as if it wasnt there. Hopefully, the box will disappear. When I clean out my cupboard it is no where to be found. I would have never remembered it was there. Let's never speak of this again.

___________________________

Three months til I'm outta here. I won't be back soon.

Hasta La Vista, Fags.

A Turn of Events

I've had this 39+ degree fever for 48 hours now. It comes inclusive with back tingles, muscle pain in particularly the back, headache and disorientation, shivers and a general weakness of the body and mind.

15 minutes after I quit at Red Rock, Myer called me into to work that day and the day after. I asked to leave 1 hour early from work at Myer because I wasn't feeling 100%. I also called in my first sickie today, although I wouldn't like to call it a sickie because I was an emergency and Ladies Wear isnt my department.

I was so knacked with this fever that I sat in the tea room staring into space. I didnt notice the trial of drool that slipped out of my mouth and on to my skirt. I looked down and didnt bother to care if any one saw, or even to wipe it off. My priorities were different today. Rest. Sleep. Warm. Home. I counted my break from when I entered and left the tea room, not when I left the floor. I didnt care if I got in trouble I wasnt in a good mood so today would be a perfect day to fight me.

I cracked my phone screen in the Myer toilets as I was taking a 10 minute break. I dropped it at knee height on tiles. fucking hell. with a phone as expensive as this can't they make these screens a little more durable??? or even scratch resistant?? the camera glass fell out too. at least it still senses my touch.

The Red Rock breakup wasn't a positive one. The HR manager was frustrated and disappointed in me because I didn't wanna sick it out doing cafe jobs til Little Ludlow opened.

3am?? What did I tell you about calling at inapproriate times?

The managers phone are manned 24/7 and I wanted to give ample time to have my shift covered

The managers aren't meant to know what we spoke about

I thought the duty managers would know eventually

You weren't patient enough. I made it clear in the interview that you would have to work at these places til the bar opened

You might think you made it clear but I didnt know what it was gonna be.

So you're not going to finish your shifts with us?

Yeah nah

There's no point in arguing with you.

I seriously didnt know where I couldve been more fair about this whole quitting situation. I spoke to him on two occassions before this phone call, he told me to either choose Myer or Red Rock, he told me I was on a 2 week trial period so I could see for myself if I liked it or not... I chose Myer over Red Rock and I quit during the trial period.

Today I had to face them because I needed to give back my Visitors Security pass, the Crew Card, and their uniform. I met with Simon the friendly and timid duty manager.

___________

I went to the doctors for the first time in years regarding an illness that isnt cancer. It was my 39 degree fever that ate and vince had been bugging me to see a doctor about. I dont like doctors because they prescribe me medicine and I cant swallow solids like tablets and capsuls. I dont like medicine because I believe my immune system, void of medicines since I was 14 years old, is one tough maaaaaafucka. I like to keep my body as drug free as possible. I also believe that I can sleep off any sickness.

The doctor said it was a common viral infection. I needed rest, vitamin C and if I wanted, panadol and nurofen. He said they made liquid nurofen for babies, if I liked.

Man in the doctors' waiting room

I dont think these are real

Vman despite his tiredness and early start tmrw morning came straight from work to take care of me. He took me to st. albans for pho which tasted like shit at Ha Long, then to the doctors and then to Melbourne airport to hand in my things.

I dont remember when the last time I was this sick so this is a big deal to me. Vman reckons I overworked myself. I think it may be a combination of lack of fresh air, cheap shoes = back pain, quick/sudden/repetitive movements, and a general unhappiness which let down my immune system and welcomed disease and infection to enter and spread.

I have learnt something though, being happy/laughing when your unwell makes headaches go away. Even if your faking it. I tried it from 12:30pm - 6pm at Myer.

____________

All good things come to an end but it was good while it lasted.

I've just finished reading the Alchemist and I've made more sense of it now than I did the other 2 times I've read it.

One point of the story is to value the moment that is now, do not dwell on the past or wonder about the future. Focus on the present so you can enjoy every moment of this fleeting moment.

I've never had to deal with this situation before. If I read into it like I normally do when I like to cause myself emotional torment, I would say my pride and dignity is no more. My heart skipped a beat and I was shattered. It was Edgardo Tuazon breaking up with me in year 8. However I wont read into it. I'm mature. I need lessons like these. I cant have everything my way and continue to do the wrong thing just because I get away with it. I learnt that when people have mutual respect for each other, things won't be awkward or spiteful.

How I'd hate it to be awkward or spiteful.

If I was any other person, I'd say I've had a bad week. But I'm not gonna put it all down to luck. This isn't fate. This is all up to me. I make my own luck.

Yeeaaaahhh Nuh

In line at security services at Melbourne airport, needing to get my visitors pass process so I can commence my new job at Red Rock Airport services pty ltd. His name is Rodney. He doesn't know how to speak Singalese. What a shame, he says. ____ Today was my first day at Red Rock. I worked at Hightide Express in the Virgin Concourse, Lvl 1 Melbourne Airport. This job is not what I hoped for, or what was listed in the job ad. I was serving cafe food, heating them up, putting through drinks on the register, cleaning tables, changing bins, stocking fridges, making coffees. The job description said bartender. I was less than impressed. I felt this was a job for young students who just had to make ends meet. I am looking for full time work, and if my full time job has nothing to do with my career as a designer then I want to be happy working at it. I didnt feel happy working there. I was a little down. The only upside was I learnt how to make coffee. A skill that will come in handy in the future. I felt working in this place was a step back. I knew by the end of my shift that I wouldn't be happy here and this wouldn't be a long time thing. Its not that I think I'm too good for that job. I told my friend who I was working with, that this wasn't what I expected, I wasn't looking for cafe work. And if i did want to work in a cafe, I would do it somewhere closer. To tell you the truth its not today wasn't that bad. Although the more I dwell on it, the more depressing it gets. Writing about sad things always makes it worse. Thats why my posts are positive or reflective... usually objective if it is. So I have work tmrw at Hightide, 10am - 6pm which my friend says 'If your thinking of quitting now, Hightide will make you think about it even more' I told her I'd see her on her and my Sunday shift, if I hadn't quit by then. Driving home, I had an epiphany. The reason why I feel so lonely, is not because of the lack of emotional appreciation around me, but because I don't have a passion, a hobby or a mission. I need to set myself a project. Submerge myself in it, like an emu does with its head in the sand. Engage myself so that no one will be able to contact me, I am too deep in thought and work. That'd teach me.

Gotye - Now You're Just Somebody That I Used To Know.

Papa's Day

It's fathers day.

I openly admit I have more respect for my dad over my mum. I am humble, compassionate, considerate and hospitable because of him. I am open minded and enjoy listening to others stories of travel or differences because of him. I know basic carpentry because of him.

Papa keeps to himself and the house was his world. Venturing out to the unknown required thorough time and travel organisation and a very worthy purpose. Then when that's all planned, papa needs to pick up the courage to carry this out. A visit to St. Albans for dinner, papa quickly passes as unnecessary. But when he is there eating the crispy skin chicken and tomato rice, I can see quiet excitement in his eyes. Deep inside he is an explorer but feels his age and health hinders him to achieve what he dreams.

'He never realized that people are capable,

at any time in their lives, of doing what they dream of'

-The Alchemist

As much as the 'unknown' motivates him to go out and do things, he feels threatened by it. The spirit is in limbo. I feel saddened with the thought of papa staying home everyday of the week... month.. at home because he is scared. I want him to go out and explore. Material possessions at his age mean nothing. Quality time with friends/family and new experiences induce feelings of happiness and youth that material possessions can never achieve.

Last year I got him two tickets to the Eureka Sky Deck and The Edge. This year I bought him two tickets to Werribee Zoo so he can touch a Rhino :)

Need Support But Gotta Do It On My Own

I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller...

I can't help but feel some sort of emptiness inside. For two reasons, one more serious than the other.

1) High Expectations

Providing I have passed my subjects, I have finished uni. I've been asking myself what am i going to do with my life? There is no hiding behind the 'I am a full time university student' anymore. I need to keep myself stimulated, inspired and motivated. I need to become something, rich, successful, happy, healthy, feelings of completeness.. I want to be big and the time is now. The pressure's on and everyday i let go, sleeping past 2pm i am wasting my life.

My plan after uni was to become rich. I wanted to work and work and work and make lots of money. I want to become a flight attendant and travel the world and get paid for it. I am scared of the time that passes me be. I feel guilty about it. I also want to design, draw, paint, create but I dont know what, where and how and where to start! My ideas are abundant, but i have no immense passion or drive for just one. Help. How can I kick myself into starting somewhere? I need to find some direction! I feel this sense of urgency. The time is now!

I am currently listening to some speeches on ted.com I listen to topics on inspiration, particularly inspiration from nature - there, nature as a source of inspiration? That means inspiration will always be plentiful right??? I am hopeful that I will have a positive attitude. I recognise now the difficulty of having a goal and sticking to it. Once so determine to commence, now I feel lost and needing direction. When will i realise that no one will spoon feed me, and that the future is entirely in my hands. When will i learn i have to fight for what I want, fighting that will involve putting my emotions and pride on the line.

I need to surround myself with intelligent and motivated people. Not the many that work the jobs they hate and live pay cheque to pay cheque. Or those that are 25 will no qualified skill or desire for a career. I want to start a business and control everything about it. This thirst grew from ebay selling, buying low and selling high + all the responsibilities/techniques that come with it done from trial and error and research.

I am happy that I am younger than most people i hang with. I feel the years that I am younger than serve as an advantage. I have this many years to get ahead of them. I want to leave what is familiar to me and spread my wings. I want to see and learn what my friends/family wont ever see!!

2) In Loke

I guess I'm disappointed and (I hate to admit because I am a proud person) very slightly disheartened. You know that feeling when you miss something/one? You dream of how the situation will be when you see them/get it next, but then I find out they are/it was probably never coming back. They've/it left you hanging. (And that you obviously never meant that much to them despite what they meant to you. All that time happily imagining, reminiscing, trying to relive the feelings you felt, walking past the places you've been) - I feel was wasted time and emotional effort.

But we knew that was going to happen from the start. It's happen to me before and left me in psychological ruin. I need a good dose of 'harden the fuck up'.

So with this apparent feeling of abandonment, I feel this is a dog-eat-dog world.

GABOS

Game Ain't Based On Sympathy

or emotional attachments in this case. 50cent said Get rich or die hard trying. Money over everything. Or perhaps MY happiness over everything. I think I like that. I need to do what I need to do to climb the ladder.