Estelle

I'm so lonely im seriously gonna cry. Why am I sad? I need a pet or something to love. I miss my bunny wabbit. I accidentally saw pictures of her on my computer. So cute.

Work was cruisey as today. Too cruisey and I was boredddd I just wanted to leave. I finished at 1pm. Got to Keilor Plains before 2pm drove to Caroline Springs to pick up over due dry cleaning. Stopped by the $2 shop for some wool then to Spotlight in Taylors Lakes to buy a chain and green wooden beads. I made sure I reached Taylors Lakes before 2:30pm because school speed limits are a drainer. I reckon 40kmph is way to slow. At least make it 50! I always try to predict when and where I'm going to have a car accident, and how it will be be, who's fault will it be, what car, what kinda person. It's my way of trying to forsee events and get myself out of potential trouble.

The things I do to cover up what's inside:

• Get a piercing
• Cut my hair
• Look at pictures of girls who are heavily tattooed
• Go shopping for clothes, jewellery, accessories, furniture and home decor
• Online window shopping
• Scratch myself
• Twist my infect cartilage piercing
• Take a shower
• Chat to other people (general topics)
• Read old blog entries to regain sense of self
• Smoke a sheesha or at least read about smoking sheesha
• Drink alcohol (rare)

Note to self: Stop being so fucking emo. 

Estelle - Cold Crush

Yearn

I want to be cuddled

Need Support But Gotta Do It On My Own

I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller...

I can't help but feel some sort of emptiness inside. For two reasons, one more serious than the other.

1) High Expectations

Providing I have passed my subjects, I have finished uni. I've been asking myself what am i going to do with my life? There is no hiding behind the 'I am a full time university student' anymore. I need to keep myself stimulated, inspired and motivated. I need to become something, rich, successful, happy, healthy, feelings of completeness.. I want to be big and the time is now. The pressure's on and everyday i let go, sleeping past 2pm i am wasting my life.

My plan after uni was to become rich. I wanted to work and work and work and make lots of money. I want to become a flight attendant and travel the world and get paid for it. I am scared of the time that passes me be. I feel guilty about it. I also want to design, draw, paint, create but I dont know what, where and how and where to start! My ideas are abundant, but i have no immense passion or drive for just one. Help. How can I kick myself into starting somewhere? I need to find some direction! I feel this sense of urgency. The time is now!

I am currently listening to some speeches on ted.com I listen to topics on inspiration, particularly inspiration from nature - there, nature as a source of inspiration? That means inspiration will always be plentiful right??? I am hopeful that I will have a positive attitude. I recognise now the difficulty of having a goal and sticking to it. Once so determine to commence, now I feel lost and needing direction. When will i realise that no one will spoon feed me, and that the future is entirely in my hands. When will i learn i have to fight for what I want, fighting that will involve putting my emotions and pride on the line.

I need to surround myself with intelligent and motivated people. Not the many that work the jobs they hate and live pay cheque to pay cheque. Or those that are 25 will no qualified skill or desire for a career. I want to start a business and control everything about it. This thirst grew from ebay selling, buying low and selling high + all the responsibilities/techniques that come with it done from trial and error and research.

I am happy that I am younger than most people i hang with. I feel the years that I am younger than serve as an advantage. I have this many years to get ahead of them. I want to leave what is familiar to me and spread my wings. I want to see and learn what my friends/family wont ever see!!

2) In Loke

I guess I'm disappointed and (I hate to admit because I am a proud person) very slightly disheartened. You know that feeling when you miss something/one? You dream of how the situation will be when you see them/get it next, but then I find out they are/it was probably never coming back. They've/it left you hanging. (And that you obviously never meant that much to them despite what they meant to you. All that time happily imagining, reminiscing, trying to relive the feelings you felt, walking past the places you've been) - I feel was wasted time and emotional effort.

But we knew that was going to happen from the start. It's happen to me before and left me in psychological ruin. I need a good dose of 'harden the fuck up'.

So with this apparent feeling of abandonment, I feel this is a dog-eat-dog world.

GABOS

Game Ain't Based On Sympathy

or emotional attachments in this case. 50cent said Get rich or die hard trying. Money over everything. Or perhaps MY happiness over everything. I think I like that. I need to do what I need to do to climb the ladder.

Ouch. My Pride.

and i fucking hate it when people tell me not to fight. i dont fight often but i will when others do me wrong.

I got 99 problems. And they're all bitches.

White Nail Polish

& shiny silver rings on my fingers. Dickies Girl Baby Chino pants. T-shirt says Unruly. Timberlands for stomping on people. Man I am so bored. I have wasted an entire day. Here me ramble. Tmrw I get my dads car. It's nothing cool but it will get me from A to B and back. I'm gonna take my baby girl (vince) out for a St. Albans meal. Crispy skin chicken.. i dont know how you compare after so much pho. How about we try Quang Vinh? I'll be lucky if I get a thick black hair in my soup and not a cockroach. So I dont like wearing bra's during hot weather. But during this cold weather, it is an absolute must. Extra warmth.

Here I am listening to the Dance & RnB anthem compilation i was listening to when I was in year 8-9.

t-boz Little Kim

Fat Man Scoop's one hit wonder Mary Mary - Shackles Prophet Jones - All I Do (cannot find on youtube - classic sing-a-long) Kelly something - Good Love

Jagged Edge - Let's get married I watched Crocodile Dundee today. What a sexist movie. But I do love Crocodile Dundee's rough and rugged style.

Oh take me, I'm yours!

That's what she needs. A man to protect her. Look at her facial expression. She's helpless. I wonder if these fruit chews are still safe to eat. They've been here for about 1 year. I ate a melon on. No side effects as yet... So the Summer Dayze promotional flyer is still attached to the back of my notebook. It matches the pink front cover. And purple was one of my favourite colours, year 7 it was. I remember Mrs Conner asking me. Whats your favourite colour? Purple. She was delighted. She ruled the Purple House. I realised the $318 gold hoop earrings I bought in Dubai's Gold Market/Souk was a waste of money. I could've got those D&G sunnies I wanted. Gr. I need me a pair of oversized you-cant-see-that-im-sizing-you-up sunnies. I also need me a new pair of black denim high waisted shorts since the zip on my old ones insist on exposing my crotch to the world.

I want a new haircut. I am itching for change. Itches need scratching. Its gonna be stage 2 of the extreme hair style. an assymetrical hem line. extreme factor 3.5. Anio reckons i shouldnt since i got this job at myer, not at the basement but the ladies shoes department. I needed to look professional he said. Oh, did i mention, i cut my fringe today. i cut it assymetrical :) Helen is trying to speak more like an American with words like cancER, watER and ASS. She says she's trying to be more like me because I'm so cool. I understand the effect I have on people. Little Kim is playing. She's rapping about 'tony, he was italian." how many licks does it take? I googled a Little Kim image to post but then re-thought. They weren't appropriate for my blog. She changes so much i dont even know what she looks really like.

Joey. My Jwow dad. When he smiles he looks like a chineeee man. The lady sitting across from me in the tram must've been 30 years old. Judging by the way she dressed I would put her in the subtley cool category. She had her knuckles tattooed.

STAY

GOLD

Okay lady you're cool. So i've decided to get my middle back tattooed and my upper thigh. ouch.waxing the upper thigh fucking kills. imagine a tatt. I poked my self with a sewing needle the other day. that killed. Gr. Pain. Gr. PAIN.

My Ex's. Where are they now. Shawshank Redemption. Gerard Butler from 300. I met him for the second time yesterday. He came into Jwow and demanded I do a shot with him. I told him I had already vomited so no shots for me. He asked me what I had to drink. I said Hungry Jacks and all the oil. Joel walked gerard butler out. Joel came back with gerards number written messily on his hand. What, no autographs? Hook ups.

Whats on my wall?

• Pink rose lanterns
• Postcards of exotic places courtesy of Corona
• Summa Dayze promotional flyer (yes also in my wall its so damn funky)
• St. Kilda Night Market flyer
• Birthday card from Phuong Tran
• Farewell card from Kirra
• Artshow flyer with an interesting black/white/red watercolour and hand drawn image
• Vmans kawawa baby picture
• Polaroid of me and adult vman courtesy of Nai Zi
• Picture of a skiny girl in a leotard, denim vest and black sunnies
• Pretty transparent paper sample
• Framed Egyptian inspired illustration
• Tianamen Square tank man poster (me vs. mum)
• a mark of 94% ~ High Distinction for am assignment started 1 day before the due date - something that tells me IM AWESOME

that will come in handy for this assignment. 6 weeks of work in 5days. FUCK.

I miss this room. Its full of inspiration. Books and images. Natural light from a 180 degree bay window. The option of spying into my neighbours lives. My music collection is here. I should come here when I want to create.

In a Jay Z Thinking Mood

Do I dare follow the devil? He leads me to a dark alley way. I sniff trouble in the air. I know im gonna get into deep shit and the consequences are serve. My actions today will not only effect me but my future, and those around me.

But my legs take me forward. Why do they take me forward? Take me with you further and further. I know exactly what is right and wrong, I know exactly what I have to do. But I'm the self indulgent type, so I'm gonna do whatever will make me feel good.

'Feels good.

Don't worry about a damn thang'

- Naughty By Nature

I like to escape from reality. So I dream about it, create scenarios in which my dreams come true. Alcohol is my partner. It helps me escape. Then reality and consequences of my actions hit me. I am sliding further down this ladder everytime I escape. I've wasted too much time dreaming and not enough time doing. Why? Dreaming is so much easier. Why am I so stupid and lazy??

Denial

Read in the MX Newspaper

'Girls who have more guy friends are

attention seeking and have daddy issues'

Fuck you Truth!

Approval & The Emptiness Without It

I went home last night to grab more things. Papa's door was closed, he was sleeping. No one else was home. A large empty quite double story house and no one else was home. I feel sad when I think about my dad. I think he's sad and lonely, that he wants to go out and do things but fear of the unknown holds him back. I wish he was happy. I was there for about 30 minutes, I secretly wished I woke up him with my all my racket so I could see him. I havent seen him in almost a month.

Still as I left it

I left a note for him. At first it was only gonna be one line, but I kept adding line. After line. After line. Until there was no more space on the stick-it note. I thought it would be the last time I would speak to him.

10pm. Dearest papa. Jenny was here. Your tomato's are growing big. I water them twice a week. Come visit soon. (Love heart) Jenny (smiley face)

I shut the front door behind me. I drove to vinces house with eyes and face full of tears. Sometimes I just miss my dad. I wish he showed he was proud of me. Or that he loved me. This morning he messaged me while i was in class.

Jen. I found your note. Hope you and ate are doing okay. Tomatos are end of season, dont worry about watering too much. Take care. Papa...

He left a triple dot. Was there more to say? Eyes stared to swell with tears. I felt like running out of the room. But i fought back emotions. Just the way I was brought up.

Sunday

HOME ALONE :( someone keep me company