Gangsta

Thor, Tremor and my favourite, Tarentino.

Bleach

Whiter, whiter!

Biting My Lip.

Oh god, I suddenly remember how good you were.

Reading back on written memories: Dates, what I wore, our progress, events, innocent to flirtatious and quick witted conversations, remembering what you said, your reactions and winking smiley faces, telling me what you thought of me. Your hopeless attempts to not be tempted.. calling me a temptress..

It makes me smile. You were so good. I miss you so badly, do I dare cry?

Yearn

Last day of winter ends on a friday. I love endings because it means new beginnings. This is the beginning of Spring and damn did winter go out with bang. Now the night sky is clear and the moon is full, yellow and so low its hypnotizing. I love it immensely.

I wanna go for a midnight walk and get lost. I dont want to care. I just want to indulge.. this week and espeically today has been too fucked up.

Take a look at the moon it reminds me of you, 
Hope the stars and the gods aline me and you.

I really wish you were still here.

Trouble Sleeping

need to wake up in four hours. why can't I sleep?????? Must watch Ep 10 G.O.T.

Shoes

What I look for in womens/high heel shoes:

• practicality and wearability!! Stilleto, no grip, is the sole rubber? Will I slip? lets be serious here.. can I wear these on a drunk night out? i prefer something to hug my feet and ankles if my foot is to be put in this uncomfortable position
• wedged heels
• leather (synthetics are so bad)
• solid heels because I drag my feet
• padding
• easy to put on, cant be fucked with buckles
• something really fucking interesting like Tony Bianco 'Frankie'
• shape emphasized
• makes me taller and foot narrower

all for one offs, wear it once, dont mind the style being fully out there and hey look at me!

What I look for in sneakers mens/womens:

• chunky/bulky/heavy looking
• neutral colours (cream, browns, black, white), warm dull colours (khaki, swamp green, marrone) and at the moment, flouro colours IF done subtly (e.g. highlight purple with black/white) 
• thick laces
• soles with grip and interesting patterns which add grip 
• functional and practical (fat tongues are border line, not so practical but oh so cool, yellow suede/fluff shoes not practical and will get dirty)
• if shoe can withstand my wear because I'm not a princess so my shoes will get dirty. I refuse to clean my shoes every time they get dirty (i used to, i dont want to anymore unless theyre worth a shit load of money of course). Sneakers are active shoes, if they are branded and leather or well made they will be fine. 
• if they will look better once ive broken and worn them in
• designs that dont stand out too much or command attention, shoes need to flow with outfit not take over
• similar colour tones working together
• the 'gangsta' aspect 
• slip ons.. cant be fucked with doing laces up all the time
• brand name not in full attention

need to get value to money for them. need to keep them for the long run/not get sick of them. need to be subtle.


Found a new fav blog ABOUT SHOEES
http://blog.solestruck.com/
http://beta.solestruck.com/

Productive Day

Woke up at 12pm
Left the house at 1pm

St. Albans
Posted ebay shit
Return overdue library book
IGA grocery shopping
Bought a shit pork roll
Managed to park and not be bothered by shit drivers
N.B. Do not wear stripey see through top in St. Albans
RAPE FREE DAY

Home
Ate shit pork roll

Hairdressers
Get hair bleached for the second time
Made some friends and engaged in interesting conversation (topic included shoes)
Made another appointment for the 26th of June, 1pm

Mums
Ate pancit molo
Picked up some luggage bags
Told papa I'm going to get a dog when I come back
Get excited at his approval and look on the internet for British Bulldog pups
At first disappointed at the prices
Then find a seller in Porter St, Prahran who is selling for $300!!

Phuongs
Surprise her with the birthday present that took 6 hours of Ace/Me manual labour
Talk to phuong about G.O.T. and visual merchandising

Home
Cut nails
In bed
Time for my G.O.T.


Ahhh

Mr. Danger

I was watching this American doco-drama about Still Water prison, apparently one of the more secure prisons as it houses mostly murders and rapists. This place was full of big guys, tattated up, big because they got nothing better to do than get buff. The doco reports on the security measures the correction officers have to take to not get attacked e.g have piss thrown on them. When the prisoner walks down the hall his wrists and ankles are chained to his waist, a spit bag and padded helmet over his head to prevent attacks, you can even see his face. Plus there are two officers , one of each side that hold him while he walks. Id want to be left the fuck alone, i'm already chained up. I can walk by myself!

This guy was put into solitary confinement for 150 days / 5months for getting into a fist fight. thats 23 hours of alone time, in a sound proof, concrete and steel cell with nothing to pass the time but your thoughts. he was starting to go crazy. He said, theres nothing to stimulate your mind so the mind starts creating things. He hears and sees thing that aren't there. I would too. Even that 1 hour of tard time is spent in solitary in a cage just big enough to jog around in a rectangle. You wonder weather this kind of treatment is going to straighten them up. Is it really a correctional institution??

It would be amazing to study criminology. Study a bit in psychology and sociology. Or have a job like jodie foster in Silence of the Lambs. Why do people do bad things? What goes through you mind when you decide to rape a 12 year old girl or dismember a human body and bury the head and limbs separate to to the torso? When they interviewed Darnell Smith he seemed like an intelligent, calm individual. They showed footage of him doing push ups with his feet resting on a chair. So tank. They portrayed him as a manipulator. He seduced a correction officer who was once a beauty pagent and saw each other behind prison doors. How exciting and forbidden. When he got released he hooked up with the girl and convinced her to help him kill and dismember the guy. I want to understand you because you intrigue me and goddamn you are sexy.

Who Knew It Would Come To This

This has been an angry, frustrated weekend. It continues to Monday. I'm so fucking angry and I don't have an idea of how to get rid of all this hot air. If I was Vman I'd go to the gym, boxing, arnis so I could bash up some cunts until people held me back and tell me to calm the fuck down. I have nothing to do but scream and clench my jaw, I cannot clench it any harder and this stress is still here. I cant slam doors hard enough.. I punched the corner of my doors to release some negative energy and also injure myself to take the frustation away.. UGHHHH!!!

FUCK

I'm angry because I'm a good person and I have good intentions. Someone has betrayed my trust, humiliated me, hurt my pride, taken something from me, invaded my privacy or gone against my morals and done it in a way that has infuriated me. They did something that was not fair and I have the biggest issues with unfairness and equality. ITS ALL THEYRE FAULT

Dr. Dre angry music is pumping on my computer, my volume is on max but its not loud enough. Dr. Dre isnt angry enough for my mood. I'm power-walking around my house, pulling my hair, rapidly changing directions. I can taste it at the back of my throat again, i feel like I need to vomit but theres not enough down there. I want to bash something, cut something up, scream til I'm exhausted, crash my car into a garage door. I want to run my sisters rug over with a lawn mower to fuck it up. I want to destroy something beautiful so I can feel fucking normal again. I want something else to feel the pain I'm going through!!!!

And then in the end I want to cry because after all the destruction, and when the physical pain settles in because the brain has no more morphine, I am still helpless. Still. But now I'm injured in ways that arent just superficial. How pathetic. I'm worse than before. I still have the same fucking problem and the only way I want to solve it is by running away to the Philippines and leaving everything behind. No one, not even me can make me better. Now I think that maybe, its not their fault.. It's my fault. I'm in the wrong. Where do I stand?? So confused.

Angriness to pathetic in less than 5 minutes.

DEFEATED. If you wanna knock me down, bash my head in, yell your abuse at me, now is your chance. I won't fight back.

I cant tell anyone about it. They love it when I'm down. I cant tell my friends, they dont understand. I hate that crying is the only thing I know that brings me back to zero. I hate crying because I'm so much fucking stronger than that. I've become immune to all the shit I get from people who I know will treat me like shit. But once in a while, someone who means something to me will also seem like their treating me like shit. Thats when it cuts and hurts the most. I let my guard down to welcome you into my life, and you fucked me over. I'm so stupid. You're so selfish.

'Sometimes you need to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve'

As much as I say I can and will, I cant just shut you out of my life. You mean something to me. And honestly, I just want to be your friend. It makes me angry and sad that I have to fight for it. I dont know if its worth fighting for anymore, especially if your not fighting for me. I'm so very upset. Words cannot express. This is so unfair for me.


I hope you read this. Of all my posts, this one means the most.

Lemme know whatsup because I'm giving up on you.

Knowing that Absence Stimulates Torment

At work staring blankly at the shoe boxes like a dead rag doll. I leave my physical state at the Myer footwear reserves where my mind and spirit is elsewhere reliving moments of the recent past. Every time I blink I can see flashes of it. I dont know how long I've been standing here. Work mates catch me out. Thoughts only interrupted when I hear footsteps. What are you doing?? A smile surfaces, I shake my head to rid the thoughts and continue to work. This reaction happens naturally, automatically, regularly, I do not induce it or prevent it from occurring. I'm the indulgent type. I'm happy to dream all day.

Alright ... Fine ... I miss you.

Lorelei

Haven't had to wait for it like this in a while. It's been more than one week that I've wanted it so bad. Today I put my hand up and said something about it. Ugh the chase, the hunt, I hate it and I love it. The fact that it is wrong and the possibility that I might not even get it keeps me wanting it more. Also adding to the suspense is that I won't know the time comes til last minute and even then it may change. And when I get it, I don't know if I'll ever get it again.

Treating every time like it is the last.

I don't care if its right or wrong. I don't care what's best for me anymore. I just want what I want. The smallest indication of what I want is near, fuel adds to my fire. I'm scheming. I'll do whatever I can. One track mind. And if shit hits the fan I'll deal with it later.

At least my heart can rest.

Anything But My Shoes

I know I said I wouldn't buy anything this week to punish myself for buying so many new things last week but temptation presents itself in way where it is a crime to ignore it. When the opportunity comes you should grab it, don't let it go and never look back. Believe in your intuition! When you're heart urges you to wait to for assistance to have a closer look at the silver cross necklace in the display cabinet, well.. you gotta do what you gotta do.

I havent been op shopping in weeks, months simply because I have no time and these op shops aren't exactly in my way. I have a theory of: if you like it and you cant stop thinking about it, just buy it because chances are you'll still want it tomorrow and you may loose this opportunity. This theory particularly applies to op shopping and shopping overseas because of the low prices and these items tend to be difficult to find again. I'd rather deal with financial loss than material regret.

I'm particularly happy with the black pants I bought which dont look like much in the picture but in real life and worn they are gorgeous. They look and fit like American Apparel Riding Pants. They are made of some swimsuit material and even stitched that way which is strange but the fabric works well especially that they are ultra tight fitting. They are high waisted (what I need) and so very comfortable. I love em. They were $30 which is quite expensive for op shops and I'm not sure how they justified the price. The brand is Nag Wear and they are made in Australia.

My second favourite item is the silver cross necklace. It's simplistic and primitive in style. Phuong says it suits me. The silver is weighty, chunky and not perfectly finished which I like. It sits right at the colour bone, framing the neck and face. It features a toggle closure. the brand stamp says 'Anne Klein' which is strange because I thought Anne Klein is delicate and girly. If this stamp is legitimate, I'm thinking its sterling silver.

I initially thought the gold broche was a random squiggle that represented a thunderbolt. Cool. But when I took it home and flipped it around it resembled a christmas tree. Damnit, I accidentally bought a piece of christmas jewellery. Embarrasssssiinnnnggg. Not really, I'll just flip it over and make it a thunderbolt.

I bought two books: Angela's Ashes and Pride and Prejudice. The later book will teach me how to speak and be a proper lady. I've heard how much of a drainner the book is to read but if its a classic english novel I will power through it.

I got a heavy wooden/mother of pearl hanging decorative plate featuring intricate Islamic pattern work. I resisted the urge to buy more glass wear. I tend to pick up the ones made in England. I love all things that are warm, tribal, primitive, historic, natural... I collect so many house things I cant wait til i get a house and put all these things together!

This week is a new week and I've gotta get serious with my budgeting. I'm gonna write down all my expenses for the day, everything from petrol, bills, food, transportation.. then tally it for the week, minus what I earn. I'll note where I spend too much. I'll divide it by 7 to find out my average daily spend, then aim to reduce it by 25%. I think I spend too much on food because I dont wake up in time to prepare myself properly for the day.

Air Max's Red or Blue?

I was late coming back from break because today I found these babies. It's the first time in over one year since I felt a strong connection with a sneaker. The last 'non-girly- shoe I bought where my Timberlands in London this time last year but you wouldnt describe them as a sneaker. I saw the red from the display window, then wondered inside to find the blue. I was tossing over the red or blue but decided on the blue because the blue is fooking gangsta my blar. I like the subtle differences between the dark blues and the use of the black and white. It's difficult to make navy and black work together as both colours are so similar but this is a successful example of where it does work. Phuong and I agreed that this subtle colour way is 'very Melbourne', team it with a tight black outfit and BAM! respect points given. I'm so lucky I can fit into kids shoes because these babies are $99.

I was so delighted that my sneaker fascination has been ignited once again. I WILL get these I dont care about my budget. hahah. A shame that I wont be wearing these at work coz I'll be pushing my employment at tony bianco. While waiting for my train home at Melbourne Central station I wondered why I am so obsessed with shoes. Why do I love them so much? I began my love letter dedicated to shoes in general...

Why I can't get enough of buying and owning shoes.

I need to collect them. I have deep routed issues relating to collecting things. I need to have them all to be satisfied. It's also the way I organise and categories my collection. Seeing them in my cupboard placed systematically or on my feet looking good makes me happy. And since I've discovered my interest in 'girly' shoes, I need to buy for both collections.

I love it when strangers come up to me and comment on my shoes, even if they are not nice ones, I like that they attract attention. The shoes definitely make the outfit. If you disagree, you obviously don't know where to buy shoes from. Shoes can mean so much more to me than the dress, buy the shoes to match the dress?? Hell no. So many variations, shapes, textures, fitting, heights, the perfect combination of these to match the particular occasion. Some people buy shoes to simply protect their feet, I buy shoes to make my food look good.

I like how shoes tell a story, I love to wear my new shoes in ASAP because new shoes are just bland. I want the creases, the drink spills, the heel scuff, holes, colour fades and the bits falling off. Shoes are meant to be dirty, they are shoes! My shoes grow with me and the marks tell others and remind me of where I've been, what happened.. pretty much how what where when. I remember which shoes I've taken to

• my most recent trip to Philippines and first trip the to the snow (Adidas Missy Elliot's),
• climbed the Sydney Harbour Bridge (Nike Court Forces),
• London/Paris/Dubai and first night at alternative club 'Bang' (Reebok Freestyles and Timberlands),
• African Night at Nyala/Black Pearl Part 2 (Reebok Ventilaters),
• Jwow shoes (Creative Recreation), Year 8 - Year 10 at CRC (Converse Chuck Taylors)

When I don't know what shoes go with an outfit, I wear choose a pair off my 'versatile' list:

• Nike pink/blue/white velcro ones
• Reebok White Freestyles
• Creative Recreations
• Timberlands

It's 12:23am and I have spoken about shoes for too long. Wow. I have a problem.

I love my problem.

Joel froths over my Timberlands whenever I wear em. He finally got himself a pair from America. Size 11. I can fit my feet x3 in the space he has there.

Train station calligraphy.

The bottom one looks chinese?

The results of mine and Phuong's St. Albans dumpling shopping.

I draw on Vman's arm a penis disguised as a smiley face.

Do You Remember

Fuck you right back. I have a double personality. I'm schizophrenic. I go from an intensive love session to a teeth clenching hate rant for one person in .09405 seconds because I dont know how to deal with emotion. I'm very sensitive to rejection. Probably because I don't have a strong sense of self, I rely on other people to make me feel better. Must throw myself into the deep end so I will learn to survive on my own.

Take a look at the moon, it reminds me of you

In Memory

And so the devil called temptation returns. I am involved in an on going battle to fight these demons.

I secretly enjoy it.

Dom Kennedy - In Memory Of

Kurtis Blow Jr - Strings and Louis V

My Tshirt Reads 'Unruly'

If you want a bon fire,

tease the flame.

Colour of October: Red

Cheek. EE

Starting my car up at 10pm last.night at Phuongs, there was a black cat sitting in the middle of the road. Scanning my myki card today at the train station, my balance is $6.66. If my reading of omens is correct then I am going to die today.

This fortnight I've earnt well over a grand. But where the fuck has my money gone?? It's either taxed or spent on shoes. I feel I'm working hard and not seeing the benefits of it.

______________

Huong Vuong Footscray pho after you squeeze the lemon.

My pho is still too hot.

You're cheating.

Secretly, quietly, personally satisfied. Emotionally reassured.

Drake - Teach You A Lesson

Even if you listen to this on mute, watch the video. This is what I want my house to look like.

Hiding.

My heart is breaking. Hope you feel special.

Afrodisiac

There's something sexual about smoking sheesha. The smoke, hazy, misty, slowly reveals the face behind. Intriguing. Mysterious.

I want to see more of you.

Without force, I let the smoke escape from my mouth. I watch the curves and movements of the haze, it twists and turns in unexpected ways before eventually disappearing as quickly as it came.

Wait, come back. I want to see more of you.

Then comes the light headedness. Muscles ease up, eyes slant, breathing reduced and blinks in slow motion. Whatever its doing to my body its doing it well. I smoke til I feel I have no control of my body. This can't be good for you. But that's why I want it, more. Its gotta be bad if it feels this good. Nothing good can feel this good.

I have found a new addiction, this can be a weekly thing.

Hey Lover

I've been watching you from afar For as long as i can remember I gotta take you from your man thats my mission Besides if he's love is real he has to handle competition But still he can't stop me From having day dreams I would hold u in my arms and ease your fears I cant believe it I havent had a crush in years Hey lover this is more than a crush Keep my dreams alive until the right time

Day 22 A New Position & Even Further Lengths

I loved it.

Accomplished:

Centrelink to get paid tomorrow

Bike Share $34 refund

Spent $40+ on cosmetics: Coral Crush and Hot Pink lipstick, brown eyeliner, Rimmel WOW Mascara, Wax strips, concealer and a FREE Rimmel tote bag and lipstick because I spent over $20 on Rimmel products. I kept the lip gloss and gave the tote bag to vince's mum

Returned library books: Succeeded parking my big ass car in a ridiculously tight parking spot even if it did take 5 goes

Withdraw $$ to pay Vman back

Bought: a stereo cable $3 so I can plug my laptop into some speakers, temporary wall hooks so I could mount my pin board, gold sleeve braces,

Downed a chicken roll from St. Albans

Binge eating at mums house: New* Ensamada flavoured butter crackers!! Ate puto with melted cheese on top and left over bbq pork from Saturday. I miss philo food from mums.

Swapped my winter clothes to spring clothes

New* Changed into a dress the first time this winter: it was 21 degrees!

New* Tasted ube macaroons: Vince's talented sister inlaw made me ube flavoured macaroons! She also made bukku pandan ones and nutella ones. The ube is the best. I didnt think I would love macaroons this much!

A New Concept: Ube Macaroons

I have secured two interviews tmrw at Melbourne Airport. I applied for these jobs at 1am yesterday morning and both called me by 12pm today. They both called me at the same time in fact, the other went straight to call waiting.

One is a hospitality job, the guy said to meet at PJ O'Briens the Irish pub next to Maccas. I thought this was a bartending job I forgot I applied for but going back to seek I find its a kitchen hand job. Why did I apply for a kitchen hand job?? I wouldn't have if I knew I would get it. They are opening up a Little Ludlow (Ludlow Formation, South Bank) at Melbourne Airport and need a start up team. Perhaps I can change this interviewers mind about the position he'll give me. Maybe he'll give me a bartending job :)

The other is a retail sales assistant job in the Qantas Terminal. A turkish clothing and accessory shop. interesting... .. . Im gonna wear some high class shit to make em feel I'm too good for em, guaranteed job.

The interviews are at such inconvenient times. 930am and then again at 1230pm. The parking fees at Melb airport are a fucking bitch. $10 for 30 minutes. So i'm gonna do two trips. that means I can change. It's the first time im driving to the airport, I called vman and he helped me plan the lane changes. I dont want to fuck up and crash and die.