Night Terrors

Lately I've been having heaps of bad dreams.

City of Lost Children

Children and young adults would go missing. More and more of them, people thought it was some sort of runaway cult. No one really new but parents were desperate to find their kids and heaps of Missing Ads were posted up on poles, newspapers and even TV news.

I found myself and a group of friends kidnapped. We were living in a thriving mini community complete with housing, florists, supermarkets...everything we needed. it was like an outdoor world but for us victims to live in. This was a large but secret organisation run by an evil man. None of us kids could get out only get in.

There were adults here but they ran the joint, they ran the taxis and guarded the doors making sure no kids escaped. The brick walls were too high to climb. I would watch TV and see that my parents were posting Missing Ads for me. They were visibly upset, missing ads were written on yellow lined paper and written in red with a black and white photo of me. I had no way to contact them and let them know i am alive. Me and my friends needed to get out.

One rainny night, we waited on the streets and asked all the taxi drivers to drive us out of the city. I thought this approach was completely pointless as they werent allowed to drive us out. But our taxi driver miraculously agreed..   Sometimes the evil man would let a kid leave the city in special circumstances e.g. dying.

there were three of us in total and i was calling out to helen and dave across the road, who were also trying to get a cab, to hop in. Except their cabbie also took them in, they mustve found a way out too. In helen's cab they squeezed about 7 people in their back seat. I didnt know how they did it, or if I'd ever see them again.

We were so concentrated on leaving the joint i didnt even know if i could trust these people! (there were two people/cabbies in our car) They might be driving us to the evil man who set this whole thing up and we would get into massive trouble. These cabbies were risking their lives too.. and for what, our freedom??

The cabbies went from friendly to laughing hysterically. They were grabbing and feeling up me and my friend Andera's legs from the front. I slapped them and scratched their hands but they seemed to enjoy it. I thought this was the worst idea ever!

We reached the gate/exit to the city.. They were actually taking us out?? We had to be so quiet, the guard at the door was a no bullshit kinda person.

When taxi drivers pick up a kid, they leave a little toy penguin outside the car to show everyone how many kids they are carrying. They also have to put the name of the kid outside so they know who's in there. Our cabbie had one toy penguin out and the name 'Annie'. There were three of us in the car. The guard couldnt see inside the car because it was all curtained up but he had all the authority to look inside if he wanted too.

He looked at the cabbies nervous faces, and us moving in the back seat.. it was obvious there was more than one person in the back. My heart was beating in real life.. I knew we were going to get caught and we'd all get punished.. I forced myself to wake up because I didnt want to sit through the mental torment


Killing Pokey

I've had so many dreams of intentionally killing pokey. Its got to do with the unconcious guilt I feel for her death. I was standing infront of a sink which was filling with water. I was distracted, fixing my hair and talking to a friend when pokey decided to slip in. she was drowning but i didnt notice i was too busy. I pull her out as she was almost dead. I thought to revive her was to pump her chest. I was doing this so desperately I wanted her to live! how could I have let her drown??? She eventually died. I was crying. I read later on in the dream that my technique to revive her was completely wrong, that I was helping her die.


Papa Dying

Again, so many dreams of papa dying. These ones take the most out of me. Wake me up in the middle of the night crying or with a lump in my throat. I hate them. We were hanging out as a family on a white marble cold dinning table. The lighting was bluey just as the sun was disappearing. Something was bothering him but he tried to put on a positive face. It just looked comfortable to watch.

He said to us 'I wont be here for much longer'. What do you mean??

'I'm going to be a momo soon, do you know what momo means?' I knew what momo means, he was saying he was going to be a ghost. I knew where this was heading but I played dumb. no no no no!

'I'm dying'.

I was waiting for those words. I starred blankely outside to the sumpai where red and yellow bedsheets/fabric were blowing in the wind. they where the only colours in the dream. i just zoned out and woke up.

Hostile

I had a dream about her. I woke up from a nap and went into my lounge room to find her sitting on my couch. She was smiling in the most devilish way. I said, 'What the fuck are you doing here?' This bitch was in my house, how does she know where I live, how did she get in? She kept smiling and told me she wanted to take me somewhere, her keys jingled in her hands. She was waiting for me to wake. I'm so angry. I went into my room where I stashed my box of weapons and chose a red metallic baseball bat, like the one on Be Cool. I came back and told her to 'get out of my house'. My baseball bat was raised and ready to strike. She kept up that stupid fucking smile on her face because she knew I was afraid to hit her. She grabbed onto the bat, smiled with satisfaction and I forced it away. I plotted where I could hit her and not kill or injure her too seriously. The neck? The head?

This is a sign that she had entered my personal circle of security. She was in my dreams for the second time and this time in my HOME. Phuong says this is a sign that she's gotten in my head, shes got to me alright. I hope she fucking dreams about me too.

Ranting

Sea salt water in my hair
Right hand nails are painted black
The left is white
Jekyll and Hyde
To express both my personalities
And perhaps my indecisiveness


Actually, I'm not
This is just me being self-balanced
Good and bad are contained within
It's only natural
It's Ying and Yang


My room is never gonna be completely clean. I live in organised kaos but at least it's organised. I like mess. I like looking at people's rooms or work stations because I learn about the sort of person they are. The girls at work spray their shoes with leather protector or buy a brand new pair once the leather has gone all shit. I'd like to wear my shoes til death and even then I will keep them as memories. My Year 8 chuck taylors are probably the most disgusting pair of shoes you'd ever seen and if tested for bacteria, there would not be a strong enough device.



Bed sheets are white
A few make up stains here and there
It doesnt bother me
Until someone comes over
And sleeps in my bed
Why must I feel embarrassed of my own bed?


Eyesdown
But my chin is still up
You can look at me
I won't notice you


My ear cartliage peircings trip me out. One year on and they still give me pain. Sometimes the pain is so much my eyes water, but I still move my stud around until my brain releases all the morphine it can give me. I move it til I feel numb. I cant sleep comfortably on my left side. No way will I get my right cartilage down. Its the only comfy side I have left and I am a side sleeper.

Jwow's under new and strict management. I dont like it because I dont like changes especially when I been at this place longer than you have and you tell me what to do. I dont like being told off. I don't care if you know more about management/bartending than I do. I know the changes are all for the benefit of Jwow, and because I love jwow so much I will do it. I'm actually sooking. I know these changes should have been in place from the beginning. But still, who are YOU to come into jwow and tell me off for eating chips infront of customers and beckon me over just to tell me off?? I'll find ways to cheat the system.

People stress out when there is change. People with the gemini star sign are more acceptive and adaptable to change. Helen's loving these jwow changes but ill still show some resistance.


Helen: I'm so excited for our holiday! we can sit next to each other on the plane! Or, do you talk a lot??


No, I don't talk a lot. Talkative people annoy me. Especially during travelling. I think its nice that you can share a moment of comfortable silence with someone. None of that fake chit chat. People with little to say are intriguing. Those who say things concisely are intelligent and rich in vocabulary, logic and efficiency. Helen, Yao and I work well as a team because we are Asian and all Asians are efficient (and economic). Stereotypically. I think its true.

Theres this young couple who catch the 723am train regularly. The girl talks SO much and I feel sorry for the dude. Like, and like... like this and like that, do you know what I mean?? No. Shut up.

Lately I've been annoyed at my manager. Not mentioning which of my numerous jobs this relates to.. I get so annoyed and I cant help giving attitude although most of the time I do keep it in.


Manager: Jen
Me: Yes?
Manager: Jennnn
Me: Yeh????
Manager: JEN!
Me: WHAT?!
Manger: (tells me something obvious)
Me: Yeh I know
Manager: JEN!
Me: I HEARD YOU!


Argh! Gimme a break. PLEASE I just wanna do my workkkkk! I could go on with more complaining but not too sure its safe to do so here... Its keep-quiet-and-pretend-to-be-happy time

It comes that time in my life when I get the urge to change the course of nature and pierce/tattoo/mutilate my body for the sake of beauty and satisfaction. Another piercing perhaps, where? Belly ring.. although.. I do have my fat days.. and when I'm wearing a tight top there will be a stud buldge. Also, it's rare when my belly ring will be exposed.. I've always liked lip piercings.. I dont want one that will knock against my $7,000 perfectly aligned teeth but one that goes through the bottom lip and out the top. I've seen it on.. Fucking sexy. I'd get it on my left side to balance with my right nostril ring.

I like the idea of matching tattoos because of how absolutely ridiculous it is. Matching tattoos?? Are you crazy? Si senor. Crazy loco. Matching tattoos are a memory of someone. Good or bad it doesnt matter.. people get tattoos that remind them of something bad sooo whats so bad about a matching tattoo??

I weigh myself at least once a day not because I'm obsessed with my weight but because I find it interesting how I can loose 300g between the time I fall asleep and wake up. About 2 years ago (recovering from my beer belly) was my fat days. I could no longer fit into my $400 Kookai Jeans I bought drunk shopping with Kylie. I ranged from 54-55kgs. Since then I lost weight by being jet lagged, getting forced to eat smaller food portions, working fucking hard, staying up late and fucking up sleeping /eating patterns, my inability to cook and preferring to sleep my hunger off. Before I left for the Philippines in December 2011 I weighed 51 kgs. I came back with about 3 kgs more which was surprising considering how much I ate and drank. I lost those 3 kgs by the 2nd week I came back by, yet again, being jet lag (fucking up sleeping/eating patterns) and working fucking hard. Now I range from 50 to 51.8 kgs.

I dont like exercise. I dont like running, gyming.. I think my work at Tony is phyiscal enough and I work so hard I sweat. My back is muscelier and so are my arms. This week my wrists ache. I'm gonna get hankels so when I punch someone my wrist wont bend in the natural way it does.

'How much do you know about yourself if you've never been in a fight?'

Fight club was on tonight. My all time favourite movie that just pumps me up. My sister asked me what it was about.. and I was delighted to answer the question but yet overwhelmed. There was just so much to say!!

I've bought two books recently: UK Underground Gangsters' Wives and Crimes of Passion. The first book tells the stories of the wives of gangsters, about lifestyle, activities, jail sentences and the kind of person she or the husband was. They say a lot of negative things about being the wife of a gangster.. espeically when there are children involved, running to do, court hearings to attend, jail sentences to be had, loss of identity, trust and relationship issues.. but damn its still so intriguing to me. Most these women turn a blind eye to the activities of their husbands because they love them unconditionally and the lifestyle is really a good lifestyle. Most believe they are just 'being a little bit naughty', the activities arent as serious as the law makes them to be. Oh geez, thats exactly what I would think.

I remember the days I fantasized being a drug dealer. Fake identification, I was mocked for choosing such a long and elegant name. 'Stoners wont be fucked calling up a drug dealer with the name Anastasia'. I thought it was a pretty name. We made plans which we thought were clever at the time. Now they are laughable. Being a girl, I would've probably gotten jumped and bashed big time.

The second book I had a difficult time choosing. I chose it over 'Serial Killers' and 'Infamous Murders' but seeing has I had read a lot about those topics, it was good to get something more specialised. Crimes of Passion are past accounts where lovers acted on jealousy, rage.. Love and anger blinded them and steered them to commit these crimes. Interesting.

Again, I recall the times where we had plans to fuck up some guy that fucked me over big time. I'd lure him in a quiet place, get him jumped. Back then it was a serious plan, more serious than the drug deal one. Although I wanted revenge, I didn't want anyone to get hurt or worse, die. My imagination ran wild because I dreamt about it a few times. I dreamt that we had actually killed the dude, chopped up his body and threw it in a clear plastic bag and then into those American tin trash cans. Then in the dream, I felt enormous and unbearable regret and disgust for myself to the point where I felt like vomiting. I thought the only thing to make it better was to escape immediately to Mexico. I was sad that I couldnt say good bye to my friends or family, or to tell my story. I imagine what shit I would put them through. The dream was so real. I woke up and decided to call our wicked plan off. off. off. off.

I read too much of that serial killer and murder shit that it effects me, mostly in my dreams though.

I think dreams are amazing. I believe they reveal your subconscience, emotions and sometimes connect you with people in reality.. or maybe open your mind to possibilities.. you wake up and consider 'what if that acutally happened??' and thats how ur attitudes to life can be changed by ur dreams. When I was living with my parents, my mum told me about a real vivid dream she had about my sister. My sister was yelling at my mum in complete desparation, my sister said HELP ME!!!! She rang my sister the next day to tell her about the dream and make sure she was okay. I scoffed at the idea, it was just a dream! But later on, my sister would admit that that time she was going through a really really tough time. My sister was shocked when mum told her about the dream.

I've heard stories from people I know where loved ones from past times have approached them in their dreams and given them a heads up on what was going to happen next. Spine chilling.

Ive had dreams of my brother stealing all my money and I've woken up so angry I wanted to confront him in reality and fight him. Its amazing how dreams arent simply just a movie, they take you on an emotional journey so strong you feel it when you wake up - it WAKES you up and blurs the line between reality and imagination. What else can do that to you?


_______________________________


Flirting Body Langauge

Male Flirting Signals:
- hands on belt or belt buckle
- preening / grooming
- stretching (and other actions that make him seem bigger)
- raises one eyebrow

Female Flirting Signals:
- actions that make her appear smaller
- playing with hair
- exposure of neck or inner wrists

General Flirting Signals:
- eye contact
- mirroring
- triangulation
- "accidental" touching
- lick lipping

Exorcism

I had a bad dream last night.

We were in school. The kinda school where we wear casual clothes to show the 'cool' status. There was this kid who wasn't so cool. He was actually loserish. One by one my friends would go missing. And a cleaner would report crazy things like

'Hey! There's a body in the vents!'

I had a very strong feeling that the loserish guy was being possessed by the devil. He would control the objects around him to kill whoever he wanted. E.g. making the vent air so strong that it sucked up Alessia into the ducts until she suffocated.

We all had to watch what we said to him or to others. If pissed him off in any way, we would easily be the next person to die in some freak accident. If we hinted to someone that we knew what was going on, we would be the next to go. We were all paranoid because not everyone knew who was doing all the killings. We had to watch our back, actions and words. The door to our classroom was always open. No matter how many times you closed it would open by itself to expose the darkness on the other side of the room. It was because the devil was watching us too.

The last of my dream the loserish guy was making a move on me. I didnt wanna get with a possessed guy who's hobby was killing my friends in creatively morbid ways! I had to kindly reject him. If he had taken it the wrong way I might be the next to die.

Don't fuck with ouji boards kids.

Reoccurring night mares:

• Riding up on sky high escalators without a landing
• Being chased in the night by a guy dressed in hat/trench coat through NY apartment buildings, and then other guy, and then more guys
• Being in a warehouse decorated by a spiritual guide or fortune teller and seeing gypsies dressed in purple exotic burqa's sliding down the ropes on the walls
• My brother stealing all my money from me

Dream I woke up crying:

• My mum divorcing my dad

The Boy of My Dreams Is Giving Me Nightmares

Alcohol gives you nightmares. I woke up straight away. It was set in a time when mysterious Arabic men invaded our city and took us as slaves. These men were sourcerers (the alchemist style) and we were scared as to what they would do to us if we disobeyed. They look girls and young women away and they were never to be seen. The men were forced to work. There were hierarchies of slaves. The more trustworthy of slaves were the boss of tue other ones. One of the boss slaves was in charge of me. He looked different to everyone else. He had blue eyes, pale slightly freckled skin, and light hair. He led me to a room and told me to put this underwear on. There were buckets of fresh underwear, diffrent sizes with the tags still attached from wherever they came from. I told the guy, you must have to do this a lot. He didnt say anything bc by now he had been desensitised. But his eyes said he was still human. I fell over bc I was dizzy and gripped the walls on the way down. He became suspicious wherever I touched to see if I was planting bombs on the walls. I told him, don't worry, don't worry, I didn't do anything. I was surprised that he trusted me buy not checking. Next scene, I saw mum, a nurse in real life and now in this dream, trying to revive him with an oxygen mask on his face and him barely breathing. I knelt at his side and held the oxygen bag upright so the flow went straight to his lungs. He turned his eyes to me and I could see the bright blue glow. He struggled as he motioned to hold my hand, which I did. I thought he was making it. He raised his upper body to move his face to mine which at the time I didn't know why. He started choking and dying. I grabbed him by the shoulders and yelled BREATHE!!! He looked me dead straight into the eye Nd took the biggest breath he could... but the sourcerers fasted a spell and his body turned into dust. the force he use to breathe in, the force that I urged him to use, worked against him as the dust was sucked back into his mouth and eye holes. This is some Mummy Returns shit. I saw .082 secs of agony in the facial structure evident through the dust just before it collected into a meaningless pile. Why did I tell him to breathe???? If he was going to listen to me then I should have told him to LIVE. It was my fault. I was heart broken. Anio, mum and I screamed at the same time.

Day 23 Driving to Melbourne Airport

Spent $26 on 1.5 hours of parking Two interviews in one day 9-12pm Trial for the retail job on Thursday My legs hurt from wearing Ate's high heels Driving around in my dads car, I see all these nice cars around me. Mercedes BMW Audi I will work towards one. I'm miss independent.

Thats why you love me.

Crazy Ass Dreaming

You're as much of a flirt as I am. But I'm probably better at it. Friday

Work 3pm - 3am

Coffee making training 3:30pm - 4:30pm

Eating pizza at 2:30am Drinking red wine from 3am - 6am

Saturday

Keeping company 6:00am - 8am Sleeping at James and crazy ass dreaming 8am - 3pm

Home from 5pm - 7pm

Picked up car from Sunshine Market Place in perfect condition 7pm

Dro's house Braybrook party 7:30pm - 12:30am

Sunday

Is now.

My first coffee made on Friday for the coffee training.

Teacher: 'That's the best one yet!"

Me: "Nawww, you're just saying that!" Teacher: * no comment*

FKU

Helen stopped the car on Stenson Road, Kealba so we could take photos of rainbows.

She photographed the start, I photographed the end.

Helen: "We can join them on facebook and be BFF's!"

Good idea Helen.

PARIS&LONDON

I would have never believed it until two days ago. I'M GOING TO PARIS&LONDON!

my dream to study design oversea and although this isn't an exchange program it is the next best thing, a study tour. it means we visit other countries and learn about design/art/architecture&typography THEIR way, visiting museums, galleries and taking tours around the city. i regret not applying for last year's study tour with my friends which went to New York&Chicago. i had too much shit going on and i was failing subjects (3 subjects at one time), for the very 1st time.

this year is paris and london. i thought i wouldn't get it, since i was a 3rd year student and it was only opened for 2nd year students. i thought anthony elliott (the teacher that i love and hate at the same time) would grill me for my 3 failed subjects especially the one which he was the co-ordinator for. perhaps he would take this personally? i stayed up for the majority of the night preparing for my interview and researching the places on the itenary list. we also had to think of 8 other places we wanted to visit and give a brief statement as to why and the relevance of it to our studies. i woke up this morning dreading my interview. i thought i wouldnt get it, i felt i wasn't good enough. i was ready to give up the fight. vman called me, i told him that i wasn't going to go. he told me i had to, that i worked all night preparing for it and reminded me it was something that ive always wanted to do.

so i attended the UK/France study tour interview that afternoon at 2pm. my heart was beating irregularly waiting outside that room. anthony elliott was taking his sweet time interviewing and laughing with another applicant and my interview time was meant to start at 30minutes ago. i felt like walking away and giving up again.

the interview was nothing that i expected. it was a pure casual conversation. i prepared for questions like:

• Why did u failed 3 subjects last year? Have you lost your passion for design?
• How will you pay for all these expenses?
• Do you know how to speak French?
• How will you cope from being away from home?
• How will you represent Swinburne as a university?
• How good are you at making friends with strangers?

All of which answers would generate a negative connotation. but he caught me off guard with the 1st question being 'How old are you?' i had to think for 2 seconds. He asked me questions about my health, if i was allergic to anything, if i had any cultural or social concerns he needed to worry about. He asked if i ever travelled before, where did i go, and in what conditions did i stay.. he saw my average results of 75.5% and said i was a Distinction student. he finished off the interview with the words, and i quote:

Well, there is no reason why I think you can't come

Like WOW. THANK GOD i got up that morning

So that is the story of how i am going to Paris/France. It will happen over 3weeks, Novemeber 19 to December 10. It will be with 12 other random design students who i do not know. i need to start saving up this money, FAST.

France

London

Yesterday was my 1st university exam. Since Communication Design is a folio subject, it has been 3years since my last exams. i kinda missed it. The marketing exam was held at festival hall, which meant i had to walk for 10minutes from north melbourne station. the suburb of north melbourne is indeed a quiet and beautiful one, i wish i could live there. the hall was full of students, there were tables that filled the floor, side and main stage. the seriousness of the students and the fact that the place was so orgainised was overwhelming. i had to take a picture, but didnt know if this breeched univeristy exam policy. maybe they thought id cheat? i had to take aphoto anyway to saver this feeling so here it is.

Marketing Exam @ Festival Hall, North Melbourne

The exam went for 2hours. I think i did well, but you never know with marketing until you get it back. When you think u'll do shit, u actually get a HD and when u think u did good, u get a 8/10. true story.

after i went start to Jwow for work. james took me to this cosy little japanese resturant down Little Lonsdale street called Horse Bizarre. strange name but cool place. note to self: all you can eat and drink at Horse Bizarre on Thursdays from 7pm-9pm for $25 per person.

Xxplosive - Dr. Dre

I've got all this homework and i feel like i cant get it all done. i dont know where to start and i dont know exactly what to do. i know the end result, but how to get there? i do however, know the secret to get things completed and off my chest, that is to JUST DO IT.

today i was meant to get all this homework done, but it was such a beautiful day and i just wanted to laze around my room and listen to music, which is what i did. then it was time vman finished work so he came over here and we kick backed for a bit. most of the time he spent with my dad, trying to fix the new internet connection on my new computer. i was eating in the kitchen, watching Deal or No Deal while anio tried to wrestle mum into a headlock. mum was too ticklish for it to be successful.

vman's sister left for Thailand today. her flight will leave 17minutes from now. shes gone for a month to learn Mu Thai there, a form of martial arts. wow. i wish i could be as independent as that.

as i write this blog i listen to dr. dre's 'xxplosive'. i love this beat, its so gansta with the high pitch guitar bend, i dont think i can get enough of it 'when i met you last night baby, i blew your mind'. i downloaded 29seconds of that song on vman's phone and assigned it to my phone number so it plays when i ring him. i also love the song by tupac 'never had a friend like me'. the beats i tend to love have guitar playing in the background, usually the same notes over and over again. its weird how i dont get sick of guitar repetitivness when i cant stand the doof repetitiveness of techno music. that just does my head in. other good beats with a guitar in the back ground:

- Angie Martinez 'If I Can Go'

- Fabolous and Tamia 'Can't Let You Go'

- Baby Bash and Frankie J 'Suga Suga'

- Method Man 'Gotta Have'

i find these songs so laid back and cruisey, perfect for a lazy sunny afternoon as the orange yellow sun sets. perfect for a fruity cocktail overlooking the beach from a high rise pent house. ohhh how im influenced by these hip hop film clips. thats the life i wanna live.

Xxplosive - Dr. Dre & Nate Dogg

Perhaps i will save this photo to my desktop to remind me where i wanna end up.

back to reality. and so is sheila. that's wat her facebook nic says. fkn shattered. id be too. thats how you feel coming back from a mad holiday. depressed. leave the dreamlife behind and snap back to reality. i wonder when it can always be the dreamlife.

work tmrw. its a short 6-9pm shift with nadya, my favorite working buddy. after that i am finally going out for the night. woo hoo. i love getting dressed up and in heels. it adds to the whole experience. vman says tmrw is one year since i meet him at hush. one year already? it doesnt feel like it, feels like we met just a few months ago. its good that way, it keeps us fresh and young. i dont have anything pretty and new to wear tomorrow. i have plenty of heels that i havent worn, but im lacking in the sophisticated night time dress department. its time for me to buy another little black dress. my one and only got ruined in QLD when i washed it with a fluffy white towel. now my dress has white fluff stuck to it and the only way i can get rid of it is to cut it off with scissors. cb.

i want a tattoo. one that spans from across my back to the top part of my arm and shoulder. or perhaps a meaningful quote, written in Edwardian script across the top part of my back. but then i wouldnt see it?