Death Over Designer

People wanna stay in control because they fear that loss of control will always end negatively.

spending sprees til maxed out credit cards
travelling the world to get yourself in vulnerable situations
quitting jobs to and thinking you will land a shitter job or none at all

Need to break away from the thinking this way. out of control can be good. its not all about the end result. live for the moment and deal with the shit when the shit comes.

Lose control.

Climax

We're together now we're undone
Can't take it back 
It's too late


We're going nowhere fast
We've reached the climax




I'm playing this Usher - Climax song over and over again until it doesnt mean anything and I cant tell where it finishes and ends anymore. When this song was listened to in moderation, I did derive the following messages from it.

Everything thats starts comes to an end. Even something you feel with so much passion and energy will disappear from the back of your mind. Something that you regard as the pinnacle in your life will mean nothing at all the track. This apparently downward transition will begin after the climax has finished. After the intense connection with feel with this person there is nothing more to achieve. I believe this to be true. This applies to every type of relationship, one between people/friends/objects and ideas of fascination/goals etc. It's just a matter of time. Nothing will last.


Usher - Climax




Listening to my music while taking a shower. I'm always paranoid that my laptop will somehow fall off this steady platform, somehow be emerged in water or perhaps absorb the moisture in the air to the point where it will no longer be functional. Just like what happened to my camera! But good news for my beloved Nikon, Vman has a fellow B.A.E. Systems workmate who can fix my camera for FREE yeeehheee I should bake him a cake or something. Long live my Nikon!

Taking my shower

Oh god. Vman's talented sister in law made the ultimate ube cake. I forgot what it was called it was something complicated that I knew I would not remember. Its butter icing with sweet crumbly/chewy biscuit in the middle and its GLORIOUS i could have three slices a day! This is my next birthday cake!!

Heaven

Look what I made to decorate my head with.

Half naked Vman and his Martial Art certificates

Who are you?

Morning Bright Ideas

I've had an epiphany. 

The rule that 'you have to be friends in real life to add them on facebook' is no longer as people get to know each other more on once they are facebook friends. I can see your pictures, read about you, visit the links you associate yourself with, like your status and establish what kind of person you are. You do the same and we become greater friends. This cannot happen to this extent in real life if we start of from just acquaintances.

We comment, like, 'stalk' potential friends. We have the confidence to get to know someone behind closed doors when that person doesnt know. We are comfortable chatting to these people on line as opposed to face to face.

This isnt just me or you. This is everybody.

I think we are naturally cowards.

Ranting

Sea salt water in my hair
Right hand nails are painted black
The left is white
Jekyll and Hyde
To express both my personalities
And perhaps my indecisiveness


Actually, I'm not
This is just me being self-balanced
Good and bad are contained within
It's only natural
It's Ying and Yang


My room is never gonna be completely clean. I live in organised kaos but at least it's organised. I like mess. I like looking at people's rooms or work stations because I learn about the sort of person they are. The girls at work spray their shoes with leather protector or buy a brand new pair once the leather has gone all shit. I'd like to wear my shoes til death and even then I will keep them as memories. My Year 8 chuck taylors are probably the most disgusting pair of shoes you'd ever seen and if tested for bacteria, there would not be a strong enough device.



Bed sheets are white
A few make up stains here and there
It doesnt bother me
Until someone comes over
And sleeps in my bed
Why must I feel embarrassed of my own bed?


Eyesdown
But my chin is still up
You can look at me
I won't notice you


My ear cartliage peircings trip me out. One year on and they still give me pain. Sometimes the pain is so much my eyes water, but I still move my stud around until my brain releases all the morphine it can give me. I move it til I feel numb. I cant sleep comfortably on my left side. No way will I get my right cartilage down. Its the only comfy side I have left and I am a side sleeper.

Jwow's under new and strict management. I dont like it because I dont like changes especially when I been at this place longer than you have and you tell me what to do. I dont like being told off. I don't care if you know more about management/bartending than I do. I know the changes are all for the benefit of Jwow, and because I love jwow so much I will do it. I'm actually sooking. I know these changes should have been in place from the beginning. But still, who are YOU to come into jwow and tell me off for eating chips infront of customers and beckon me over just to tell me off?? I'll find ways to cheat the system.

People stress out when there is change. People with the gemini star sign are more acceptive and adaptable to change. Helen's loving these jwow changes but ill still show some resistance.


Helen: I'm so excited for our holiday! we can sit next to each other on the plane! Or, do you talk a lot??


No, I don't talk a lot. Talkative people annoy me. Especially during travelling. I think its nice that you can share a moment of comfortable silence with someone. None of that fake chit chat. People with little to say are intriguing. Those who say things concisely are intelligent and rich in vocabulary, logic and efficiency. Helen, Yao and I work well as a team because we are Asian and all Asians are efficient (and economic). Stereotypically. I think its true.

Theres this young couple who catch the 723am train regularly. The girl talks SO much and I feel sorry for the dude. Like, and like... like this and like that, do you know what I mean?? No. Shut up.

Lately I've been annoyed at my manager. Not mentioning which of my numerous jobs this relates to.. I get so annoyed and I cant help giving attitude although most of the time I do keep it in.


Manager: Jen
Me: Yes?
Manager: Jennnn
Me: Yeh????
Manager: JEN!
Me: WHAT?!
Manger: (tells me something obvious)
Me: Yeh I know
Manager: JEN!
Me: I HEARD YOU!


Argh! Gimme a break. PLEASE I just wanna do my workkkkk! I could go on with more complaining but not too sure its safe to do so here... Its keep-quiet-and-pretend-to-be-happy time

It comes that time in my life when I get the urge to change the course of nature and pierce/tattoo/mutilate my body for the sake of beauty and satisfaction. Another piercing perhaps, where? Belly ring.. although.. I do have my fat days.. and when I'm wearing a tight top there will be a stud buldge. Also, it's rare when my belly ring will be exposed.. I've always liked lip piercings.. I dont want one that will knock against my $7,000 perfectly aligned teeth but one that goes through the bottom lip and out the top. I've seen it on.. Fucking sexy. I'd get it on my left side to balance with my right nostril ring.

I like the idea of matching tattoos because of how absolutely ridiculous it is. Matching tattoos?? Are you crazy? Si senor. Crazy loco. Matching tattoos are a memory of someone. Good or bad it doesnt matter.. people get tattoos that remind them of something bad sooo whats so bad about a matching tattoo??

I weigh myself at least once a day not because I'm obsessed with my weight but because I find it interesting how I can loose 300g between the time I fall asleep and wake up. About 2 years ago (recovering from my beer belly) was my fat days. I could no longer fit into my $400 Kookai Jeans I bought drunk shopping with Kylie. I ranged from 54-55kgs. Since then I lost weight by being jet lagged, getting forced to eat smaller food portions, working fucking hard, staying up late and fucking up sleeping /eating patterns, my inability to cook and preferring to sleep my hunger off. Before I left for the Philippines in December 2011 I weighed 51 kgs. I came back with about 3 kgs more which was surprising considering how much I ate and drank. I lost those 3 kgs by the 2nd week I came back by, yet again, being jet lag (fucking up sleeping/eating patterns) and working fucking hard. Now I range from 50 to 51.8 kgs.

I dont like exercise. I dont like running, gyming.. I think my work at Tony is phyiscal enough and I work so hard I sweat. My back is muscelier and so are my arms. This week my wrists ache. I'm gonna get hankels so when I punch someone my wrist wont bend in the natural way it does.

'How much do you know about yourself if you've never been in a fight?'

Fight club was on tonight. My all time favourite movie that just pumps me up. My sister asked me what it was about.. and I was delighted to answer the question but yet overwhelmed. There was just so much to say!!

I've bought two books recently: UK Underground Gangsters' Wives and Crimes of Passion. The first book tells the stories of the wives of gangsters, about lifestyle, activities, jail sentences and the kind of person she or the husband was. They say a lot of negative things about being the wife of a gangster.. espeically when there are children involved, running to do, court hearings to attend, jail sentences to be had, loss of identity, trust and relationship issues.. but damn its still so intriguing to me. Most these women turn a blind eye to the activities of their husbands because they love them unconditionally and the lifestyle is really a good lifestyle. Most believe they are just 'being a little bit naughty', the activities arent as serious as the law makes them to be. Oh geez, thats exactly what I would think.

I remember the days I fantasized being a drug dealer. Fake identification, I was mocked for choosing such a long and elegant name. 'Stoners wont be fucked calling up a drug dealer with the name Anastasia'. I thought it was a pretty name. We made plans which we thought were clever at the time. Now they are laughable. Being a girl, I would've probably gotten jumped and bashed big time.

The second book I had a difficult time choosing. I chose it over 'Serial Killers' and 'Infamous Murders' but seeing has I had read a lot about those topics, it was good to get something more specialised. Crimes of Passion are past accounts where lovers acted on jealousy, rage.. Love and anger blinded them and steered them to commit these crimes. Interesting.

Again, I recall the times where we had plans to fuck up some guy that fucked me over big time. I'd lure him in a quiet place, get him jumped. Back then it was a serious plan, more serious than the drug deal one. Although I wanted revenge, I didn't want anyone to get hurt or worse, die. My imagination ran wild because I dreamt about it a few times. I dreamt that we had actually killed the dude, chopped up his body and threw it in a clear plastic bag and then into those American tin trash cans. Then in the dream, I felt enormous and unbearable regret and disgust for myself to the point where I felt like vomiting. I thought the only thing to make it better was to escape immediately to Mexico. I was sad that I couldnt say good bye to my friends or family, or to tell my story. I imagine what shit I would put them through. The dream was so real. I woke up and decided to call our wicked plan off. off. off. off.

I read too much of that serial killer and murder shit that it effects me, mostly in my dreams though.

I think dreams are amazing. I believe they reveal your subconscience, emotions and sometimes connect you with people in reality.. or maybe open your mind to possibilities.. you wake up and consider 'what if that acutally happened??' and thats how ur attitudes to life can be changed by ur dreams. When I was living with my parents, my mum told me about a real vivid dream she had about my sister. My sister was yelling at my mum in complete desparation, my sister said HELP ME!!!! She rang my sister the next day to tell her about the dream and make sure she was okay. I scoffed at the idea, it was just a dream! But later on, my sister would admit that that time she was going through a really really tough time. My sister was shocked when mum told her about the dream.

I've heard stories from people I know where loved ones from past times have approached them in their dreams and given them a heads up on what was going to happen next. Spine chilling.

Ive had dreams of my brother stealing all my money and I've woken up so angry I wanted to confront him in reality and fight him. Its amazing how dreams arent simply just a movie, they take you on an emotional journey so strong you feel it when you wake up - it WAKES you up and blurs the line between reality and imagination. What else can do that to you?


_______________________________


Flirting Body Langauge

Male Flirting Signals:
- hands on belt or belt buckle
- preening / grooming
- stretching (and other actions that make him seem bigger)
- raises one eyebrow

Female Flirting Signals:
- actions that make her appear smaller
- playing with hair
- exposure of neck or inner wrists

General Flirting Signals:
- eye contact
- mirroring
- triangulation
- "accidental" touching
- lick lipping

Wale

Fuck money
Fuck fame
Fuck everything they can take from you


People kill you for your knowledge and wisdom. Ha! What an honour. I'll take that as a compliment thank you very much!

Who Knew It Would Come To This

This has been an angry, frustrated weekend. It continues to Monday. I'm so fucking angry and I don't have an idea of how to get rid of all this hot air. If I was Vman I'd go to the gym, boxing, arnis so I could bash up some cunts until people held me back and tell me to calm the fuck down. I have nothing to do but scream and clench my jaw, I cannot clench it any harder and this stress is still here. I cant slam doors hard enough.. I punched the corner of my doors to release some negative energy and also injure myself to take the frustation away.. UGHHHH!!!

FUCK

I'm angry because I'm a good person and I have good intentions. Someone has betrayed my trust, humiliated me, hurt my pride, taken something from me, invaded my privacy or gone against my morals and done it in a way that has infuriated me. They did something that was not fair and I have the biggest issues with unfairness and equality. ITS ALL THEYRE FAULT

Dr. Dre angry music is pumping on my computer, my volume is on max but its not loud enough. Dr. Dre isnt angry enough for my mood. I'm power-walking around my house, pulling my hair, rapidly changing directions. I can taste it at the back of my throat again, i feel like I need to vomit but theres not enough down there. I want to bash something, cut something up, scream til I'm exhausted, crash my car into a garage door. I want to run my sisters rug over with a lawn mower to fuck it up. I want to destroy something beautiful so I can feel fucking normal again. I want something else to feel the pain I'm going through!!!!

And then in the end I want to cry because after all the destruction, and when the physical pain settles in because the brain has no more morphine, I am still helpless. Still. But now I'm injured in ways that arent just superficial. How pathetic. I'm worse than before. I still have the same fucking problem and the only way I want to solve it is by running away to the Philippines and leaving everything behind. No one, not even me can make me better. Now I think that maybe, its not their fault.. It's my fault. I'm in the wrong. Where do I stand?? So confused.

Angriness to pathetic in less than 5 minutes.

DEFEATED. If you wanna knock me down, bash my head in, yell your abuse at me, now is your chance. I won't fight back.

I cant tell anyone about it. They love it when I'm down. I cant tell my friends, they dont understand. I hate that crying is the only thing I know that brings me back to zero. I hate crying because I'm so much fucking stronger than that. I've become immune to all the shit I get from people who I know will treat me like shit. But once in a while, someone who means something to me will also seem like their treating me like shit. Thats when it cuts and hurts the most. I let my guard down to welcome you into my life, and you fucked me over. I'm so stupid. You're so selfish.

'Sometimes you need to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve'

As much as I say I can and will, I cant just shut you out of my life. You mean something to me. And honestly, I just want to be your friend. It makes me angry and sad that I have to fight for it. I dont know if its worth fighting for anymore, especially if your not fighting for me. I'm so very upset. Words cannot express. This is so unfair for me.


I hope you read this. Of all my posts, this one means the most.

Lemme know whatsup because I'm giving up on you.

Now That I'm Sober You Ain't That Fine

Success is when your no means no and your yes means yes

and you can stick to your word

I want everyone to get fucked up with me.

I've got 32 minutes before the battery of my laptop runs out. That means I have 32 minutes to blog. Today at work I was busy. Our 20 max box delivery turned out to be 35 boxes + the 12 box unexpected delivery from Spencer Street. I work continuously without a lunch break so I can leave just that little bit early. It's good leaving before 4pm because I dont hit peak hour trains. Although you do hit school kids on the train home.

A thought occurred to me at work today as I was shifting shoe boxes around. Something I said to vman before we became boyfriend and girlfriend but after we had already gotten together. I told him becoming boyfriend/girlfriend is pointless because the next stage of that process is to either get over each other and break up or get married. Both seemed like dead end options to me so why start something that was gonna hit a brick wall anyway? Vman was annoyed with my explanation. He gave the example of his brother and his girlfriend, they have been together for ~15 years and have three children together, and a house.

The idea of falling in love and staying in love with the same person for the rest of your life is difficult for me to grasp. Feelings and circumstances are always changing, how can you feel the same way about that person forever? You might feel that you can for a few moments, your heart will really believe that this is the truth. Give it a few years and see if your feelings are still strong. Its amazing how some couples can stay together happily ever after, its rare to see old couples still in love.

I'm not saying that unconditional love does not exist because I'm a lover not a hater. I am saying that unconditional love and staying happily in love with one person for years is an occurrence that happens maybe once in 100 couples. Or more.

Being the hopeful, ambitious and idealistic me, I am surprised at my pessimistic stance towards committed long term relationships. I suspect it takes root from past failed relationships where I was the one who was fully in love and dedicated and then devastatingly shut down. I hated it. I hate rejection after offering myself the way I did. I hated giving my time, effort.. everything they wanted because I loved them so much and have it come to an end because they wanted it to. Ugh. The way I see it, if I give them emotional significance, I am giving them a chance to stab me in the back and trusting them not to. Oh how I felt like shit when they betrayed me. Now in relationships I am the one who cares the least. I choose people who want me more than I want them, or if vice versa at least I won't show it. Never again because I'm scared of giving my all and getting fucked up again.

Honestly

Giving into temptation is not a selfish act. Im giving my full attention to you at that particular time. There is nothing selfish or wrong about that. I'm dedicated. It's just me and you and right now nothing else matters. I think it's romantic. I have good intentions because I'm not trying to destroy anyone. What they dont know wont kill em so keep your fucking big mouth shut. I dont think or feel bad about anything else. There are no strings attached to me. I am free. We all are.

Greener Over There

Rooftop Bar

World

Crown Casino CNY

James' place

Il Primo Posto

Crown Casino CNY

Home

Furlong Road kebab joint

Airport look outs

We found a sweet airport look out where the aeroplane takes off right at you and flies over the top of your car. The sound is just tolerable and when the aeroplanes are big, they are very close to the ground. If the plane were to crash after landing, we would be the first to die. It's kinda thrilling, doing something you enjoy (watching the plane fly into and then on top of you) and knowing you could be the next Air Crash Investigation victim.

How sad. I find thrills in near death experiences because I feel nothing but numbness.

The last time I came back from holiday I was mega hyped for life. I was so motivated but now its the total opposite. Last night was a shit night and I went home tipsy, when I am at my most sociable and energetic. I went HOME. Nothing to do and no one to do it with. This was shit. I lay in my bed and whatsapped. Thank god for whatsapp. Nevertheless I still felt so alone.

Im sick of asking people, hey what you doing tonight/tomorrow/now, lets hang out, what do you wanna do, where do you wanna go, I WANT SHEESHA and then getting rejected. I need more friends. You realise that everybody has their own lives and you've gotta entertain yourself most of the time. I dont like that. I like company. Otherwise i get depressed.

I recall this sick desperation to meet people. The extremes we go to, dodgy chat rooms, bars getting drunk so talk is easier, whatever, this is fucking sad.

I was happy to be home after phils. I missed being free to roam without body guards, missed no one staring at me, missed wearing my usual clothes, missed the Aussie foods like parmas, pasta and real fruit juice and i missed the non-polluted air. But when I'm here, I miss hanging around with my black sheep cousins, drinking, affording everything, eating whatever the fuck I wanted..

Going home I wasnt even home yet but I was anticipating the feeling I got yesterday going home early. Helen said it was normal, just book another holiday and look forward to that. Sigh.

I come back to the same surroundings, same people, same feelings, same problems, same work, responsibilities, wake up time.. is this my fucking reality? Why?? Holidays. Thats my kind of reality and this life I'm living now is all a bad dream. I'm gonna make holidays my reality, you bitches can keep sleeping, keep your tossing and turning.

Seeing Philippine Airline flight to Manila today gave me the reoccurring idea of running away to philippines and never come back. I can go to Manila, go to a modelling/TV/advertising agency and apply.. I can learn to speak Tagalog if they like. They'll love me because I'm mistisa, a mixed blood. I can make it big there and never have to face my problems here. I watch the plane lights disappear into the sky.

'Bye Bye'

It's a shame that running away from your problems signifies cowardliness. Maybe I am. Or maybe I just like running.

Most people like getting with their good friends/family and talking about their problems. I may drop little hints and answer your questions but I rarely do more because I'm not comfortable telling anyone the shit I'm on. I share the idea of 'me against this world', 'born alone die alone', 'trust never', kinda shit.

I think that spending time with friends and being happy will help me get over my shit. But on the way home today I felt sad because I know I was coming home to my same old empty bed, wake up with the same ... I cant depend on others to make me feel better. I feel stupid with al the things I buy to make me happy because in the end all that wont make a difference. I'm sad because i feel its all up to me to make me better and I dont know how, when, what, where .. who..

I gotta find something to fill my empty life with. A man isnt fit for living if he hasnt found something to die for. At the moment, I'm scheming how the fuck I'm going to get filthy fucking rich.

Crown CNY

Seven Mozzie Bites

Day Two

After a visit to the grocery shops last night I realise this is the land of petite things. Little lettuce a bit bigger than my fist, little Spanish onions and tomatoes the size of my thumb. The bread have barely any crust and are only made in the sweet variety.

Robinson's Mall, Lacson Street

The Mall as undergoing an extension. White walls, floor to ceiling windows, international cuisine restuarants surrounding a spitting water feature - the slogan as 'Experience a lifestyle change' and indeed it was for these humble people. This wasnt Philippines at all. They've obviously taken inspiration from the first world and it reminded me of Dubai. After 1 hour of eating breakfast (which was of rice, bread, fried egg and Longainsa sausages) Sheila suggested we eat lunch. It's a filo thing to constantly ask your guest if they are hungry and not take no for an answer. They eat more than three times a day, in seemingly large quantities.. I'm used to me 1-2 meals a day in small quantities. But they are all so skinny. Sheila thinks it must be the asian gene that staying skinny is easy.

'I cant believe how often you guys eat here.

'I dont think its often. This is how I normally eat. Probably because its so hot here, we burn off food quickly and have a fast metabolism.

We ate at a Mexican restuarant called Mooon, yes, with the triple 'O'. Strange. I realised that a lot of the signage here are hand written or if computerised, appear to be hand written, e.g. Comic Sans and Lucida Handwriting or Lucida Calligraphy. To the unfamiliarised eye, this confirms the (insert word opposite to Modern)ism lifestyle here.

Back to the mexican resturant with the triple o. The girls had black tops with puffy arms, a ruffled skirt striped green, red and orange and matching scrunchies in their hair. They played mexican music from the large speakers and inside the walls were orange with mexican patterened tiles and ceramic pots for decoration. It was an experience. We ate outside in the gentle breeze. I gasped in excitment when I saw San Miguel Light beer on the menu. The waiter heard me and asked if I would like some to drink. haha. It was still morning! I said, a bit later.

Sheila and boy boy needed to get their drivers license renewed so I got to roam alone for probably the first time ever being in philippines. I was kinda scared.. but there was no reason to be scared. I just get stared at. And followed in the stores by the sales assistants. Sometimes they stand 50cm in front of me look me in the eye, and then look me up and down. Umm..

Awkward. She asked me for my name,

'Hi Jen, meet Raymond. Can I have your number?'

'Um, No I'm only here on a holiday'

'So I cannot have a number?'

'No, I have a boyfriend'

'Is he filippino?'

'Yeh. Okay thanks bye'

I walked straight out. I was a little annoyed, I just wanted to shop. I couldve bought sneakers and they wouldve made a good sale but the lady had to be the young boys wing man.

Walking in the Mall i see a few white old men with younger filo women. They have children with light skin and light hair. Usually a mistisa/mistiso is good looking but not all the time. Sometimes they have strange white with a purple/browny tinge especially under their eyes. I heard a conversation between a white man and his filippina wife:

Wife: There's mcdonalds over there

Husband: I'm sure I'll find Australian food here somewhere...

I wanted to turn around and say HEY! IM AUSTRALIAN TOO! but also, pfftt you're in your wife's country embrace it you idiot. I understand traveling to the phils isnt everyone's cup of tea. I learnt how to fix a toilet because here the toilets dont work 100%.When you shower you have to use bucket and pour the water over your body while you soap yourself with the other hand. There is no hot water here so you have to get used to the sudden splash of cold water on your back.. Do not bring your best clothes, make up isnt necessary since you sweat it off anyway.

I went to the Nikey store and bought three items: a purple parachute jacket/hoodie similar to my silver one but PURPLE. I had nike written in bright yellow on the chest. It made me smile when I touched it so I bought it. I'm easy like that. $75 AUD so cheap. I also got a white tshirt with the iconic Michael Jordon pose in metallic silver in the centre. And a white Manny Pacqiao shirt. all up $120 AUD.

I bought sticky tape to stick things into my travel journal and an Art of War book, just incase I need to develop some military plans. Ive also bought a navy blue chiffon dress with yellow stripes on the chest for $15.

I need to go back when my funds have gone through my bank account. Last minute and 'ohh I'll do it later' me, I transfered funds into my card on Friday night, it will take no more than two days to get in but because Monday and Tuesday were a public holiday, I've gotta wait til Thursday! Almost one weekkk... I feel anxious when I cant access my money overseas. I'd feel stranded without money. I dont know how those backpackers who work for cash do it.

Also on Thursday my dearest mother touches down s well as Tita Grace. Mum can take me shopping and buy me what I want :D

Me: No, lemme pay for lunch

Boy Boy: Let me pay, your mum comes soon anyway, she can pay next time

Driving in Philippines is stressful for everyone in the car. There are no road rules except for stick to the left lane. There are a few traffic lights here and there, but every other intersection it's who ever pushes in gets their way. Just because its a main road doesnt mean they have right of way. You've got to read the body/car language to know who goes first. Horns are overused here, not to signal the other driver that they've fucked up, but to make them aware taht you are overtaking you, or they are very close to you. The cars on the road are so close to each other that I could reach out of my window and open their door without having to extend my arm completely.

I've noticed more new or nice looking cars here compared to when I was here four years ago. I think these people are getting richer. On my ride home from the airport I saw a Hummer! in a khaki light brown colour, soooo gangsta and also a Toyota Hilux.

My humble, wheel chaired bound Tito Manual is apologetic of his little van with no aircon. And also of his english which I honestly think is better than mine because he says words I havent heard of. Tito Manual runs an electronic repair store and school at the wrong of our compound. He is a teacher. He is the repairer. He runs this business alone. He is into philosophy, psycology, religion, history, sociology and many more... He tells me his theories. He is very intelligent. He was born with a condition that binds him to a wheel chair so it seems he finds freedom in intelligence.

Tito Manual's Theories

If you believe in God, you must believe in Satan. God is an unexplained theory, and we have accepted it as a mystery. There are many mysteries before our time. We accept the mystery of creating fire, or the mystery of electricity, or the mystery of weather. If you can accept fire then you can accept God. The human body is very complicated and well designed, there must be a creator, something this intricate cannot just be. Just as there is a house, there is an architect.

Hairy men are romantic men. There was a study conducted: A group of men were told to shave off their hair. Half of them were allowed to have sex as often as they liked and half were told to restrain themselves. At the end of the experiment, all the men shaved their hair again. The men who had sex had more hair than those who didnt. Therefore, hairy men are more romantic.. or just horny. I guess hairy men is a symbol of masculinity.

This world will come to an end because people distrust each other. When you get older you begin to behave in a way that will benefit other people, instead of acting in ways that will benefit you. That is the meaning of being mature.

How can you tell a girl is from the city or the rural area when the wind blows? If she holds on to her hair, she is a city girl. If she holds on to her skirt to keep it down, she is a country girl. City girls are materialistic and prioritise appearance. Country girls are conservative and want to protect their legs from exposure.

a lot of filippino families have at least one helper. They eat after the family have had their meal, they are allowed to shower here, and sometimes even sleep here. They are paid to wash the dishes, clothing, clean the house, go shopping, sometimes cook.. from what I'm seeing it is really more like a helper than it is a slave. They are very much apart of the family, they are spoken to and respected. Nannah said her fiance's helper was with them for 40 years. But I could imagine the unfortunate few that are taken advantaged of from cruel families.

I asked Nannah how much these helpers get paid.

The minimum pay per month in Philippines is 6,000 Pesos = $133 AUD but because their meals and showers and sometimes accomodation is catered for they are paid 2,500 to 3,000 = $55 - $66. I spent someone's 2 monthly pay at the nikey store in 5 minutes today...

What A Nice Feeling

I could've made that tram if I ran for it. The pressure was there because everyone else did. I might be late for work now. I should care. But then I'd allow my surrounding to control me. No. I wanna be in control. Missing that tram is a form of rebellion. Rebellion against societal expectations and norms. I don't want these factors to control me. Oh look, another tram in two minutes. I can get to work on time without having to run. Coincidentally every thing works out in the end. It's only natural.

XII

Love seldom, trust never No days off I called in sick from Myer yesterday and bc i did I experienced my first real day off since my bbq house party over one month ago. Hung out with bago kabayan ko and his supercool friends, including a jap guy who dances in missy Elliot film clips, at The Workshop where I was surrounded by 360 degree of blue strength cigarettes. yuck. took a late train home and proceeded to drink drive home missioning back streets in case there were boose buses. drink driving three days in a row.. not long til I go to Philippines.:)

I know I was going to have a good day when I scored the only parallel car park at Keilor Plains station, East Esplanade side. Yes! Finally!

Love it when the indicator touches the 'F'! A little bit of

camera angle technique to make this happen..

Cute

How close can YOU stand next to the door?

One of the guys from last night was filo. He was an alpha male. 'I'm all man, filo, you're a girl and other guys might be putty in your hands but you gotta earn respect from me' kinda type. I know the type. Filos hate other filos. Nice to my face, hating behind my back because I borrowed $1 off him the first day I met him. If you fuck up once you've fucked up forever. The 'don't forgive dont forget but I'll tolerate you so I can look for other reasons to against you' kinda type. Making me and others feel awkward by bringing up other girls and my 'decent looking friends' in front of the group of guys...

The thought occurred to me that my ex's and potential partners have a lot of things in common in terms of physical appearances, personality and they way they treat me. It's probably because when people make changes, they do so gradually so we can adapt comfortably. It's a good thing because it means I know what I want but its bad because I'd be repeating a failed process. Past relationships are past relationships for a reason, they obviously dont work out so why would we look for common traits in future partners? Pointless?

You are my common:

• Filippino decent
• Physically strong or large body types
• Tattoos
• Masculine and at first glance intimidating
• Shaven heads
• Earrings
• A tad submissive
• Totally dedicated and faithful
• Go out of their way to make me happy/spoil me
• Cheeky smile
• Charming and playful
• At least 1 year older and taller

You are ideal:

• Filippino background or at least understanding of the filippino culture and ideologies
• Open minded and willing to listen and learn unfamiliar concepts
• Respect/support my priorities/interests
• Considerate
• Accommodating to needs and willing to sacrifice
• Playful, positive, optimistic, out going, out spoken, opinionated
• Laid back
• Desire for utopia and acting accordingly
• Charismatic, well spoken, intelligent, street smart, challenging, inspirational, determined, style conscious, ambitious

And can I add something superficial? Large body build, natural of course. Tattoos. Must.

After many song dedications/sentimental recommendations to other people, someone has returned the favour.

Jon MCXRO - Girlfriend

Reaping The Benefits

We want to reach the result without having to endure the hard work that will get us there. We want to speed up the process and fast forward to a time when we don't have to suffer, to a time when we are relaxing on the beach on some tropical island sipping on a caiprihina. I want to skip this process of literally exerting blood and sweat with 11 hour manual labour days running on 5 hours sleep and no breakfast - experiencing dizzy spells and getting my ass raped by control-freak erratic bosses experiencing mid life crisis and taking it out on the young and sexy.

I dont want to be responsible for completing the tasks I wasn't trained to do and being blamed for it when shit hits the fan. I get in trouble for 'being so slow' for something I'm doing for the first time. I skip breaks and power through the day to get shit done, and I go home fucking exhausted.

I work fucking hard because I have begun at the bottom of the ladder. Lately, this experience has not been pleasurable. On Tuesday I was so stressed out because the girl training me called in sick and I had to pack 19 boxes x 15 kgs of shoes, create stock transfer receipts book in-state and interstate couriers, move stock around to fit in the stock on the floor. The manager was grilling me on the phone to the point where I held the phone away from my ear like I do with mum. She wanted it done in 2hours. I broke down. She knew I was upset and she backed off.

Hard work and suffering.

I wanna fast forward to the time when I'm sipping on a caiprihina on a tropical island, sitting by a swimming pool in a tight white dress, hair healthy and curled, 3 million dollar mansion with white walls, furniture and floor to ceiling windows letting in the yellow sun. I want to cash in my chips at the casino and walk away with the millions. I want to travel the world so it will be summer all year around. I dont want to wake up at 6am and sleep at 12am.

Why must I tire myself to achieve this? The process is a test that only the strong and determine can endure. Those who pass the test are deserving. Your end result is so great that not just anyone can have.

Reaping the benefits without going through the process? Impossible. I'm gonna stop complaining about how tired I am at work. I'm not gonna feel sorry for myself anymore. Gotta power on like the gun that I am, BITCH.

You can get to anything you want.

If you find yourself making excuses,

you obviously don't want it that bad.

Tough Love

Me: I can come to your house and we can get slurpees. We can drink them on your decking Helen: I'll cook you fried rice Me: This is romantic Helen: do you eat spam? How gangsters show affection

It still hurts but it will never show because I'm too proud. I'm not bothered. People fuck up, people piss me off, I grind my teeth in anger and my eyes shoot heated arrows of hatred. I want people to die when shit hits the fan. When sadness strikes, I loose sleep and almost get into car accidents from being deep in thought. I can feel my heart break. Oh god, why?? Hurt. To relieve the pain I dig my nails into the palms of my hands, face and arms so I can feel 'real' pain. Pussy. I'm stronger than that. My mind runs on a hamster wheel trying to fix the way I feel. I want to feel better NOW. The door of my bubble is open and so welcoming. Hello. I step inside.

This too will pass

At the time, the experience seems overwhelming to say the least and things get thrown out of proportion. Although, its never as bad as it seems looking back. After a short while, I can shrug my shoulders, chin up, foxtrot on. Look forward and walk towards the sunshine. If I do the shadows will fall behind me.

You do you and I'll do me

Now run along and do your little life

Shit falls into place the end and if it doesn't I'll get over it. I'll get over it as quickly as I dived into the deep end completely aware of the fact that I do not know how to swim. Haha! How the FUCK did I think I was gonna save myself in a situation like that??? I'm so impulsive and stupid sometimes.

:)

Sleeping Hungry

I have been warned that flustered and sometimes incapable manager/s will rely on me more and more now that I am training for this Stock/VM position. All this physical work, carrying 10kg boxes up/down stairs, constantly rearranging shoe boxes and running around upstairs dodging potential occupational health and safety accidents is beginning to show the effects on my body. Im growing biceps and lower back/hip muscles. Apparently the previous manager who did the stock lost a whole dress size, 8 down to a 6. Gym membership not required.

Why I prefer working with objects (stock) than with people (customers):

• Sometimes you get over dealing with people. Their problems are the same thing, I say the same thing.
• I get to use my brain with stock
• Theres always something to do upstairs and time flies
• I like more responsibility
• Objects don't have emotions or opinions

I'm forever travelling to and from the city. My ipod is totally necessary. Once my head phones are in I am in my own world. Beats switched on, world switched off. I walk on the yellow corrugated rubber at the train stations because I like to feel the bumps through my shoes. I like to sit/stand near the window so I can imagine myself in the film clip to this song.. you know, the one where the girl stares out the window of a train in deep contemplation. That's me. I like watching people. I wonder what the people who are watching me are thinking about. I wonder if I'm ever mentioned in the MX section 'Heres Looking At You' what would I say?

Coffee?

I imagine things and act out scenarios in my head while on the train to escape reality. Sometimes I am so engulfed in these scenarios I practice what I'd say out loud. Accidentally or on purpose. Thinking like a child, thinking carefree without limitations is what will free me from this mundane everyday work cycle. Thoughts like these occur more after work than they do before work when I know that I am free and it wont be at least another 12 hours before I have to start it all over again.

I've started noting down everything I spend minus what I earnt for the day. On Monday i was negative 37cents god damnit but the other days so far I was up by at least $100. Phew. Saving plan: deposit $500-$700 a week = $2,000+ a month. Interest is my bitch. Inner city suburb luxury apartment here we come.

What I ate today:

• Two toast with egg/ham/cheese
• Orange juice
• Spinach and ricotta bread roll
• Slice of cake
• Plain ass BBH noodles

By the time I get home I'm too tired to cook anything so I go to sleep hungry. I'll wake up hungry and inspired as to what to eat. -.-

Acidic

Misery puts me in deep day dreams and creates a lump in my throat difficult to swallow over. Fight back the moist in the eyes. Numbness then invincibility. I seek pain. This process is intentional. Daily 'harden-the-fuck-up' session completed. Bigger, stronger, bolder. Bring it, ill fight you. Destroy and Rebuild muthafucka.

Reoccurance

If it wasnt for drama and complications this would be one boring world. Switch it up a little bit, this world was never ever meant to be perfect. That would be unnatural. Somewhere, there is joy in dilemma, there is beauty in sadness, fun in hatred, even pleasure in pain. Through imperfection we grow. But whatever you do, if your heart is no longer in it, get out for both ur sake.

Thursday.

I enjoy this beautiful mess.

Or do you not think so far ahead?

Because I've been thinking about 'forever'

Frank Ocean - Thinking About You

The Emotions We Wish We Didn't Have

Quoting Phuong Tran

Who Quoted Sarah Bates

One of the most difficult and hard to accept lessons of adulthood is realizingthat you will feel pain and that you cannot go over or under or around it.It’s a terrible place to be in because, well, it’s painful.The most important fact to remember about emotional pain is that it will not kill you.It will sting and make you cry, and perhaps make you not want to eat or talk or whatever,but it will not kill you and you will recover. It will simmer and sift around inside you, then eventually it will pass.

And though sometimes it lasts way more time than you wish it did,when you pass through it, you are actively becoming stronger and more stable andmore healthy as an adult. You are growing tools that will help you to faster and faster recoveries in future pain

If it helps you try and repeat to yourself: this too will pass,your body and heart will heal and there are many who love you that will help you get back up again.

http://illbringyoubottledsunshine.blogspot.com/2011/10/what-doesnt-kill-you-can-only-make-you.html

Sunday BBQ

Sheesha with the apple instead of the ceramic. Berry + Mint and then 100% Watermelon. So Smooth. Vince's mums filippino marinade chicken and pork belly with 'Vince's Special Sauce'. Helen's antipesto chicken pasta. Flavoured sausages. Fresh bread. Mango frozen yoghurt with real mango slices and full cream milk. Honey comb barvarian cheese cake with fresh strawberries and blue berries. Corona with lemons from the backyard. Moscato and semillion. Nerds, gobstoppers, powdered straws and other lollies of our childhood.

Barefoot soccer on my freshly cut grass.

It's a really good feeling when the friends you make from different times/places in your life can just come together, gel and feel like such a tight knit family. It's really amazing and quite rare. Phuong my bestfriend, phuong's boyfriend, Helen, Joel and Marc from Jwow, Dave my favourite cousin, Vince and Vince's friend Lui all getting along like it was the 100th time they've meet. This makes me happy. I've chosen just the right kinda people to be apart of my life. :)

The only thing that was missing was Pokey.

Facebook Friends Party

Fresh sheesha success

Scar Tissue

By Anthony Kiedis

It took me about 1.5 weeks to finish the book. I read it intensely for the first half, the second dragged on and I found myself skipping chunks of writing. There is A LOT of drug and sex references in this book. I didn't know how much it sucks being a dope fiend, and I underestimated how easy it is to get over drugs once dependent on them. Anthony Kiedis is impulsive, lacks regard for consequences, personal health or health of others around him. He's escaped multiple drug related death. I am amazed at how much the human body can handle. And here I am treating my body like a temple.

I usually have a pencil handy when reading books. I highlight quotes, make notes, because I learn things.

Anthony Kiedis Quotables

There's a concept in recovery that says "Half measures avail us nothing." When you have a disease, you cant take half the process of getting well, you're not going to get half well. You'll go back to wear you came from. Without a thorough transformation, you're the same guy, and the same guy does the same shit.

You're feeling like shit? Go get out of yourself and do something for someone else, volia, you don't feel like shit anymore. You're confused and you're driving yourself crazy? Go call a guy who's got three days sober and has no clue what to do. The minute you get out of your self-centred mind-set, you're instantly freed of your own pain.

"It's always important to give things away; it creates good energy. If you have a closest full of clothes, and you try to keep them all, your life will get very small. But if you have a full closet and someone sees something they like, if you give it to them, the world is a better place.'

I had come from a school of hard knocks that my philosophy was you don't give things away, you take whatever you want.

Greedy little people in a sea of distress

Keep your more to receive your less

Unimpressed by material excess

Love is free love me say hell yes

Red Hot Chilli Peppers - Give It Away