Estelle

I'm so lonely im seriously gonna cry. Why am I sad? I need a pet or something to love. I miss my bunny wabbit. I accidentally saw pictures of her on my computer. So cute.

Work was cruisey as today. Too cruisey and I was boredddd I just wanted to leave. I finished at 1pm. Got to Keilor Plains before 2pm drove to Caroline Springs to pick up over due dry cleaning. Stopped by the $2 shop for some wool then to Spotlight in Taylors Lakes to buy a chain and green wooden beads. I made sure I reached Taylors Lakes before 2:30pm because school speed limits are a drainer. I reckon 40kmph is way to slow. At least make it 50! I always try to predict when and where I'm going to have a car accident, and how it will be be, who's fault will it be, what car, what kinda person. It's my way of trying to forsee events and get myself out of potential trouble.

The things I do to cover up what's inside:

• Get a piercing
• Cut my hair
• Look at pictures of girls who are heavily tattooed
• Go shopping for clothes, jewellery, accessories, furniture and home decor
• Online window shopping
• Scratch myself
• Twist my infect cartilage piercing
• Take a shower
• Chat to other people (general topics)
• Read old blog entries to regain sense of self
• Smoke a sheesha or at least read about smoking sheesha
• Drink alcohol (rare)

Note to self: Stop being so fucking emo. 

Estelle - Cold Crush

Yeeaaaahhh Nuh

In line at security services at Melbourne airport, needing to get my visitors pass process so I can commence my new job at Red Rock Airport services pty ltd. His name is Rodney. He doesn't know how to speak Singalese. What a shame, he says. ____ Today was my first day at Red Rock. I worked at Hightide Express in the Virgin Concourse, Lvl 1 Melbourne Airport. This job is not what I hoped for, or what was listed in the job ad. I was serving cafe food, heating them up, putting through drinks on the register, cleaning tables, changing bins, stocking fridges, making coffees. The job description said bartender. I was less than impressed. I felt this was a job for young students who just had to make ends meet. I am looking for full time work, and if my full time job has nothing to do with my career as a designer then I want to be happy working at it. I didnt feel happy working there. I was a little down. The only upside was I learnt how to make coffee. A skill that will come in handy in the future. I felt working in this place was a step back. I knew by the end of my shift that I wouldn't be happy here and this wouldn't be a long time thing. Its not that I think I'm too good for that job. I told my friend who I was working with, that this wasn't what I expected, I wasn't looking for cafe work. And if i did want to work in a cafe, I would do it somewhere closer. To tell you the truth its not today wasn't that bad. Although the more I dwell on it, the more depressing it gets. Writing about sad things always makes it worse. Thats why my posts are positive or reflective... usually objective if it is. So I have work tmrw at Hightide, 10am - 6pm which my friend says 'If your thinking of quitting now, Hightide will make you think about it even more' I told her I'd see her on her and my Sunday shift, if I hadn't quit by then. Driving home, I had an epiphany. The reason why I feel so lonely, is not because of the lack of emotional appreciation around me, but because I don't have a passion, a hobby or a mission. I need to set myself a project. Submerge myself in it, like an emu does with its head in the sand. Engage myself so that no one will be able to contact me, I am too deep in thought and work. That'd teach me.

Gotye - Now You're Just Somebody That I Used To Know.

Boobs

J.Cole

Should I admit that a slutty bitch was my first smash?

Hell no.

To get over an object of desire, focus your attention on another object of desire.

But then here we go, around the circle we go. This vicious, emotionally, although more mentally, straining unnecessary repetition of life due to my indecisiveness and lust for possession and control over them. I frustrate myself. I need to be like Joker and just flip a coin when decisions need to be made. Oh the burden of consequences and opportunity costs. Cant I have it all? Can't I abandon my consciousness? Alternatively, can I not feel regret?

I'd be more realistic if I worked in the mind set of the latter. I must look forward, never turn over my shoulder to see who or what is trying to catch me to teach me a lesson. If i run fast enough consequences cannot catch up to me.

Although I dont think it works that way. I'm visualising this far too much. Running away from my problems is how I've always done it. How I despise confrontation. That may make me a coward. I dont want to be that.

If you treat others positively, they will return the favour. A lovely person will attract lovely people, you will be surrounded by pleasant company and positive energy will be bounced off one another. Mirrors. This cycle is forever. No one can get sick of positive energy. That is utopia. Lovely people also bring out the lovely in nasty people. It's difficult to be nasty when someone is being so lovely to you. This person is opening up themselves to be torn down, and they are trusting you, a stranger, to not do that. Will you return the favour and humble yourself?

The devil.

But this time in a new dress.

You didn't recognise it.

Did it trick you?

I feel alone because I have abandoned the people who love me in pursuit of what I want. They said no, but I ignored them. I followed my heart. And now what I want may not even want me back. (And if everything does work out, will I be happy 2 months in?) Throwing myself in the deep end and attacking obstacles head on. They say this is a trait of a Leo?

A-fucking-men

To find out what I want I need to be alone, and when I say alone, I mean no strings attached. or the intention to have my strings attached. My weakness = my tendency to cast my fishing line and draw in the first fish that bites, competent or not.

Day 31

Tony Bianco trial at south wharf. Second round interview tmrw at Melbourne central. Horrible bosses. I feel a little empty inside. I don't know what I want. :(

White Nail Polish

& shiny silver rings on my fingers. Dickies Girl Baby Chino pants. T-shirt says Unruly. Timberlands for stomping on people. Man I am so bored. I have wasted an entire day. Here me ramble. Tmrw I get my dads car. It's nothing cool but it will get me from A to B and back. I'm gonna take my baby girl (vince) out for a St. Albans meal. Crispy skin chicken.. i dont know how you compare after so much pho. How about we try Quang Vinh? I'll be lucky if I get a thick black hair in my soup and not a cockroach. So I dont like wearing bra's during hot weather. But during this cold weather, it is an absolute must. Extra warmth.

Here I am listening to the Dance & RnB anthem compilation i was listening to when I was in year 8-9.

t-boz Little Kim

Fat Man Scoop's one hit wonder Mary Mary - Shackles Prophet Jones - All I Do (cannot find on youtube - classic sing-a-long) Kelly something - Good Love

Jagged Edge - Let's get married I watched Crocodile Dundee today. What a sexist movie. But I do love Crocodile Dundee's rough and rugged style.

Oh take me, I'm yours!

That's what she needs. A man to protect her. Look at her facial expression. She's helpless. I wonder if these fruit chews are still safe to eat. They've been here for about 1 year. I ate a melon on. No side effects as yet... So the Summer Dayze promotional flyer is still attached to the back of my notebook. It matches the pink front cover. And purple was one of my favourite colours, year 7 it was. I remember Mrs Conner asking me. Whats your favourite colour? Purple. She was delighted. She ruled the Purple House. I realised the $318 gold hoop earrings I bought in Dubai's Gold Market/Souk was a waste of money. I could've got those D&G sunnies I wanted. Gr. I need me a pair of oversized you-cant-see-that-im-sizing-you-up sunnies. I also need me a new pair of black denim high waisted shorts since the zip on my old ones insist on exposing my crotch to the world.

I want a new haircut. I am itching for change. Itches need scratching. Its gonna be stage 2 of the extreme hair style. an assymetrical hem line. extreme factor 3.5. Anio reckons i shouldnt since i got this job at myer, not at the basement but the ladies shoes department. I needed to look professional he said. Oh, did i mention, i cut my fringe today. i cut it assymetrical :) Helen is trying to speak more like an American with words like cancER, watER and ASS. She says she's trying to be more like me because I'm so cool. I understand the effect I have on people. Little Kim is playing. She's rapping about 'tony, he was italian." how many licks does it take? I googled a Little Kim image to post but then re-thought. They weren't appropriate for my blog. She changes so much i dont even know what she looks really like.

Joey. My Jwow dad. When he smiles he looks like a chineeee man. The lady sitting across from me in the tram must've been 30 years old. Judging by the way she dressed I would put her in the subtley cool category. She had her knuckles tattooed.

STAY

GOLD

Okay lady you're cool. So i've decided to get my middle back tattooed and my upper thigh. ouch.waxing the upper thigh fucking kills. imagine a tatt. I poked my self with a sewing needle the other day. that killed. Gr. Pain. Gr. PAIN.

My Ex's. Where are they now. Shawshank Redemption. Gerard Butler from 300. I met him for the second time yesterday. He came into Jwow and demanded I do a shot with him. I told him I had already vomited so no shots for me. He asked me what I had to drink. I said Hungry Jacks and all the oil. Joel walked gerard butler out. Joel came back with gerards number written messily on his hand. What, no autographs? Hook ups.

Whats on my wall?

• Pink rose lanterns
• Postcards of exotic places courtesy of Corona
• Summa Dayze promotional flyer (yes also in my wall its so damn funky)
• St. Kilda Night Market flyer
• Birthday card from Phuong Tran
• Farewell card from Kirra
• Artshow flyer with an interesting black/white/red watercolour and hand drawn image
• Vmans kawawa baby picture
• Polaroid of me and adult vman courtesy of Nai Zi
• Picture of a skiny girl in a leotard, denim vest and black sunnies
• Pretty transparent paper sample
• Framed Egyptian inspired illustration
• Tianamen Square tank man poster (me vs. mum)
• a mark of 94% ~ High Distinction for am assignment started 1 day before the due date - something that tells me IM AWESOME

that will come in handy for this assignment. 6 weeks of work in 5days. FUCK.

I miss this room. Its full of inspiration. Books and images. Natural light from a 180 degree bay window. The option of spying into my neighbours lives. My music collection is here. I should come here when I want to create.

10 Hours at Jwow in Humidity and Heat

Alright, I accept it. The reason why im nocturnal is because I dont want to sleep. I dont like lying awake in bed, or waiting in bed til i fall asleep. Waste of time. I just finished a fucking 10 hour shift at Jwow in the worst heat and humidity. I was sweating all over, my back, neck, check, tummy, thighs, face, everywhere! I was so sluggish by the end of it that I just could not be fucked. I didn't care if i was breaking or throwing glasses, or if i appeared slow and sluggish to customers, or if i wasnt working when i shouldve been. Ugh. Im glad to report no dickheads to report today. :) plenty of tips. I should give change in coins more often. I had a dream last night but my alarm stopped me half way. I slept in 1 hour just so I could continue it. But that trick never works. I was taking a bath with my clothes on eating the pork/wonton dumplings from Jwow. Its my sisters 30th birthday at Baroq House tmrw. I going there alone since vince finishes work at 830pm and kathy/jason arent sure if theyre coming. im gonna go there not feeling comfortable with anyone. so i plan to pre drink at jwow where drinks will be served by Hwi. getting my confidence up. woo. to. that. Today i made one new facebook friend. He became my facebook friend because we both like Die Antwoord :)

Bitches

Lately I've been self-conscious about my body and how it looks in clothes. I don't have any 'real' issues, just mental ones. I am ready to go out to Watergardens with my mum. This is what I plan to wear:

1. White 'Fairy' Dress

2. Black Stella McCartney Bag

At first i thought this outfit was too showy, so i tried wearing a over-shirt or cardi but it was simply too hot. After the angel on my right shoulder convinces me that this outfit is neither slutty or attention seeking I go down stairs. Mum is there looking me up and down, i can tell she is going to say something negative. She asks me what shorts I'm wearing underneath this dress, I tell her 'I'm not wearing shorts, I'm not even wearing undies'.

She tells me and everyone else in this neighbourhood that people can see my undies, and that they are red in colour. They are so not. She's a fucking bitch, bringing me down after I have convinced myself that my outfit is okay. I told her she was wrong. She's saying these things on purpose to hurt me. She said that they were purple. I called her a liar. She got angry and asked me why I called her that. I told her she obviously had no idea what she was on about, that she was lying, was obviously guessing, as she was wrong on two occassions. Then she asked me what colour my undies where.

She pissed me off. I went upstairs after deciding I wasn't going to put up with her insults and put downs that had negative and long term effects on my mental state of mind. She comes up to my door and bangs on it, saying that she is leaving and that I should go with her. I don't answer her, she continues to knock for 2 minutes until my brother tells her to give up.

FUCK OFF BITCH, I hate you once more.

I had to admit defeat but I am upset. I'm also alone and don't know how to deal with this. I'm crying. I feel pathetic because I can't help myself.

See what she does to me?? She doesn't even know, won't acknowledge it yet alone rectify the problem.

born alone, die alone

i've deactivated my facebook, its too depressing. i feel like im wasted so much of my life on it, on it everyday waiting for new notifications. argh. now i will force myself to find other ways to occupy my time. perhaps ways in which i can reflect on my situations or do something productive. productive. what does that mean. i have to produce something, make a house or a little robot. why does time have to be measured by what we product. is it related to the saying 'time is money' is everything about money? i cant help but feel this emptiness inside. i dont feel anything, except for emptiness. i feel constrained, i want to break free from these shackles but i dont know what exactly im breaking free from. i have no one to blame but myself, for having no goal in life and treating everyday like there are so many more days to come and every fucking day will be the same. i want to get out, see things, explore new surroundings, i want to travel and live in a new place. i want to know what it feels like to work hard for a goal. i want experience but im scared to do it alone. im afraid of the negative consequences, or returning back home and my home is not how i left it. alone is how i feel. it feels like no one else is going through this. everyone around me is busy with their own shit. i wish i had my own shit to keep me busy.