Don't Chase That Cash

J.Cole once rapped:

Don't chase that cash

Follow your heart

You'll make that fast

Wise words mr. j. cole.

Lately i have been bothered by the threat, fear and expection of myself to fail. this is mostly in a design sense but is often applied to daily life. for example, opening the Lanson bottle of Champagne. In the past i know i havent been able to do it, how about this time? I bet I won't. My own mind bets I won't. who is going to back me up if i cant even believe in myself?

We often doubt our own intelligence and capabilties. we are critisiced for being ambitious. everyday mum tells me what i should be doing, should not be doing, what i did wrong, what i shouldnt do to fuck up etc. when i am feeling daring, i let slip my dreams for the future. i tell mum i wana own an investment property in the city. she comes back to me listing all the expenses i will have to pay and mentions her and her friends failed attempts at property investment. as much as i hate her pessimistic state of mind and as much as i stay i ignore it, constant and extensive lectures like hers are bound to subliminally affect me. i have come to accept that:

i am a person conditioned to believe i cannot excel

when i do fail, there is mums voice and now even my voice that teases:

see? I TOLD you so. I KNEW you would

Now its come to a point where i am afraid to try, i think i will fail. the small but significant angel on my right shoulder keeps egging me on, she encourages me that life isn't all bad. and i believe it isnt, it cant be.. right? it shouldnt be this bad.

i am not alone in this fear of failure. it started in my 1st year of uni and was confirmed with 3 continuous subject fails. i felt like shit. in high/primary school i wuld have never thought id suffer from the fear of failure, 'what a stupid thing to feel!' and now i can understand.

our school systems measure a child's intelligence and capabilities through test/exam scores and attendance. one could argue a 'good intelligent student' would display socially acceptable behaviour and submissiveness to authority. In real life, the success/capabilites/knowledge of a person is determined through assests, financial gains, career hierarchy and job titles. this is not a good form for judgment as an intelligent person may work as a garbage collector, or a dimwitted CEO of a large company may be lucky enough to be his father's son.

so how can we, in real-life, measure capability/intelligence? then we can all feel confident abotu ourselves.