Vietnamese Coffee Machine

So we decide to try out a new Vietnamese resto in st. albans. We ask for a hot vietnamese coffee. This is laid in front of us. How do we.. I msg Phuong for help.

Technical

Chin Too High

Holding your phone as your phone rings. From someone who means something to you, but who fucked you over so bad that at the moment, you wanted them dead. Deep inside I let the phone ring out. Am I doing the right thing? Or am I letting a good thing go?

The Emotions We Wish We Didn't Have

Quoting Phuong Tran

Who Quoted Sarah Bates

One of the most difficult and hard to accept lessons of adulthood is realizingthat you will feel pain and that you cannot go over or under or around it.It’s a terrible place to be in because, well, it’s painful.The most important fact to remember about emotional pain is that it will not kill you.It will sting and make you cry, and perhaps make you not want to eat or talk or whatever,but it will not kill you and you will recover. It will simmer and sift around inside you, then eventually it will pass.

And though sometimes it lasts way more time than you wish it did,when you pass through it, you are actively becoming stronger and more stable andmore healthy as an adult. You are growing tools that will help you to faster and faster recoveries in future pain

If it helps you try and repeat to yourself: this too will pass,your body and heart will heal and there are many who love you that will help you get back up again.

http://illbringyoubottledsunshine.blogspot.com/2011/10/what-doesnt-kill-you-can-only-make-you.html

The Urge

I had a growing epiphany lying in bed awake last night. I thought the situation that begun as fun and games, shits and giggles may actually be something more. All the elements are here, holy shit, this could really be something beautiful.

That familiar feeling when you have lots to say but you hold it in for the right moment to awkwardly blurt it out. You tell yourself 'ill say it when this happens, when that happens, I'm too shy.. oh next time' and then you don't get a next time or the message initially intented is not communicated or worse, is no longer felt.

Things on my behalf have changed. I don't know if anyone has noticed but there is definetly something in the air. Chemistry. To the disadvantage of some, I care less. I am more selfish than normal. To the advantage of others, I am unusually forgiving - my emotions swinging from anger to being madly in 'loke'. This is bad for me because there is a valid reason why I was angry in the first place and people cant just fuck me up so bad and get away so easily. How dare they put a spin on my emotions like its the Wheel of Fortune.

I know what to do. Let the disadvantaged few know of my concerns, which may not necessarily be the whole truth, let them know I am doing this in their best interest. The advantaged - let them know truth and emotion and leave it at that. They're not in a position to do anything about it anyway. Which will leave me alone. How will I cope. I've become so dependent. Perhaps its time to learn another lesson.

Most of the time I create a little bubble for myself to protect me from being hurt. I love living ignorantly and in denial. I don't know how else to cope. I'm pathetic in that way. However, there are times I go outta my way to find information to hurt me, emotionally speaking of course. I am naturally a hopeful and optimistic person, 'Yes I Can! Yes I Will! Yes IT will!' but sometimes I wanna hurt myself now so later it wont be such a let down. I dont know if in this instance, the 'harden-the-fuck-up' dosage is appropriate.

Oh there, I gone and done it again. Hurt. I immediately back away. Suddenly the my plans are abandoned. It's probably not such a good idea. I'm so confused.

Michael: Did you have a big night last night?

Me: I didn't sleep last night.

Michael: Why not?

Me: My rabbit died!!

Michael: Oh thats why, You didnt seem your normal self

Michael, my face-to-face interviewer at Max Employment, a Centrelink related program designed to keep Australians employed, has only met me once before. Today was the second time. I rocked up to the 9am appointment in home clothes, no make up, eyes black and nose piercing looking painful.

My ipod played a song that reminded me of a certain time driving home to urs in my car. The next soppy love song was Donnell Jones 'All Her Love' (but only half the time) and the 3rd soppy song at Max Employment was some 2000's pop song that I didnt like back then because I found it overtly depressing/attention seeking. But there comes a time when all these shitty soppy songs get to you, every lyric applies to you, and you feel like bursting into tears.

I cant help but feel a great sense of loss. Am I too late to change it?

I wish I didn't have work so I could stay home all day and think about you.

You Dont Know So Shut The Fuck Up

After the shock, the sadness, the anger, the heartbreak and feeling scared and betrayed.. After the uncontrollable hand temors and unnaturally fast heart beats and the sudden drop of body temperature.. After the foul taste at the back of your mouth and out break of sweat.. After the flow of tears and silent screams into your pillow that release an emotional climax comes the numbness.

Congratulations. You have now hit rock bottom.

This is my favourite part, the part when I become invincible. Do your worst, nothing can hurt me now.

(Too bad being invincible doesnt last more than 10 minutes). Born alone, die alone.

Die. Die. Die.

And that will be all.

____________

Tonight is one of body polluting. Sheesha and my favourite red wine, listening to my fav Dr. Dre beat about 'when im sober you aint that fine', stuffing myself with dim sims and party pies. You know you have a problem when you're body polluting alone, at 11pm well into the night, and when you've got work tmrw morning.

If this world is a dog eat dog world then I can play that game back. Fuck you all who Fuck me over. It's my happiness over everything.

GABOS.

I'm lightheaded already.

*Lighthearted

Boobs

J.Cole

Should I admit that a slutty bitch was my first smash?

Hell no.

To get over an object of desire, focus your attention on another object of desire.

But then here we go, around the circle we go. This vicious, emotionally, although more mentally, straining unnecessary repetition of life due to my indecisiveness and lust for possession and control over them. I frustrate myself. I need to be like Joker and just flip a coin when decisions need to be made. Oh the burden of consequences and opportunity costs. Cant I have it all? Can't I abandon my consciousness? Alternatively, can I not feel regret?

I'd be more realistic if I worked in the mind set of the latter. I must look forward, never turn over my shoulder to see who or what is trying to catch me to teach me a lesson. If i run fast enough consequences cannot catch up to me.

Although I dont think it works that way. I'm visualising this far too much. Running away from my problems is how I've always done it. How I despise confrontation. That may make me a coward. I dont want to be that.

If you treat others positively, they will return the favour. A lovely person will attract lovely people, you will be surrounded by pleasant company and positive energy will be bounced off one another. Mirrors. This cycle is forever. No one can get sick of positive energy. That is utopia. Lovely people also bring out the lovely in nasty people. It's difficult to be nasty when someone is being so lovely to you. This person is opening up themselves to be torn down, and they are trusting you, a stranger, to not do that. Will you return the favour and humble yourself?

The devil.

But this time in a new dress.

You didn't recognise it.

Did it trick you?

I feel alone because I have abandoned the people who love me in pursuit of what I want. They said no, but I ignored them. I followed my heart. And now what I want may not even want me back. (And if everything does work out, will I be happy 2 months in?) Throwing myself in the deep end and attacking obstacles head on. They say this is a trait of a Leo?

A-fucking-men

To find out what I want I need to be alone, and when I say alone, I mean no strings attached. or the intention to have my strings attached. My weakness = my tendency to cast my fishing line and draw in the first fish that bites, competent or not.

Day 24 New Favourite Drink

Fell asleep before 11pm due to last night's lack of sleep. Attended a cocktail training at Match bar. It was a French emphasis today, we learnt about the French history that was relevant to cocktail making, reknown Parisian cocktail bars, the story behind some famous French cocktails. We got to straw taste test them too. Me and cheese, being the cheap asians and alcoholics we are, curved our straws and inserted them diagonally to trap as much alcohol as possible. I was even licking the straw. MY favourite was the

CRITERION RUM SMASH

of the Criterion Bar

45ml Cruzan Aged Rum

30ml Sugar Syrup

15ml Lemon juice

10 Mint leaves

2 Barspoons of diced peaches

I've never tasted anything alcoholically good. I must make this or order it soon asap. I love these Mixxit Cocktail Training classes because they give us a shit load of free stuff:

FREE

Mini 'moleskin' diaries

Pencils

Bartender Training Booklet

Cocktail Recipe Sheet

Wooden Mallet and Sack for crushing ice

Frizbee

Training finished about 4pm and we went to check out the new refit at Jwow. It's so ugly and embarassing. The luxurious, lounge concept Jwow was known to be is now totally gone. That concept was crumpled like a piece of scrap paper, tossed in a bin, doused with petrol, set on fire and then run over with a bulldozer. The bar is all stainless steel. Bar tops, cupboard doors, bar wall, shelves... it feels so cold and industrial. It looks like a Chinese kitchen. And let's not get started on the sperm lights and paper mache cow with paintings of the Beatles on it. In a snakes and ladders game, Jwow has landed on a snake all the way down to the starting line. I feel a tiny bit ashamed to be working there.

Birds Eye Views @ Jwow

I left jwow and went on a shopping mission to buy clothes for tmrw. Bought a new dress and new shoes and wrecked the sales assistant in the process.

Tokito Black Dress

$64 After Myer Discount

The Dangerfield sales assistant, in her New Zealand accent said i was pretty

Cancelled a 6:30pm dinner date with jwowers because I was poor and just wanted to go home. Did a test drive to melbourne airport tmrw via Arundel and Annadale (?) roads, apparently a short cut. It took 11 minutes from home to airport this way. It took 11 minutes from airport to home via Calder freeway and Keilor Park Drive. The freeway is an easier and more speedy drive but i guess I wasnt driving during peak hour. Tmrw I will take the Arundel way. Those roads are so windy its like Tokyo Drift. ________________

I've felt for quite sometime my brain/thoughts arent stimulated. Thats why i give into physical indulgences such as 12hours in bed, trash TV, fatty foods and alcohol. I want to get smarter, I guess thats who I avoid feeling 'wasting away'.

I remember going on the study tour with like/open minded designers. Conversations were intelligent and my opinions were challenged. I was asked to further explain myself, to the depths where I had not considered myself until this time. I had to think quickly but logically. Random mubbling and filler words had no place here. Overuse of the words 'like', 'you know', ' do you know what I meaaan???' and unnecessary swearing degraded the integrity of your opinion. When they cracked jokes, I had to really think about why that would be funny. These people were 2 steps a head of me. I feel I hang around people two steps behind me.

I'm having trouble excelling if my surroundings dont demand me stepping up. I need motivation. I cant do this by myself im not that determine.

Since the beginning, I've argue with vman about the consistency in his stories, the grammar in his language and the certainty of his 'facts'. I want straight forward, organised and unchanging information. He tells stories with missing information, in non chronological order with ambiguous wording and a limited vocabulary. He is biased and often generalises with words like 'all of them', 'all the time', 'never' and 'always'. I was during essay writing to never use such definite words. I get frustrated because we're on two different pages.

Or maybe I'm being too harsh on him.

I just need more stimulation.

Daddy

I used to pity 'easy' girls - the girls that seem to endlessly jump from one guy to the next in a desperate and hopeless attempt to gain male approval and love. She'll do various things to impress or get attention from them. I theorised these girls lack the approval and love from a father figure at a young age. Either the father was absent or abusive. These girls subconsciously seek a father figure in the guys they hang out with. She needs a guy who will love, protect, care and support them since she was deprived of this as a child. And sometimes it doesn't stop with one guy. I used to pity them. But now i think i am one of those girls. Vince is a great boyfriend, and he loves me and everything I do but all I want is more love and support from a male counterpart. Perhaps if I had the love and approval from my dad then I wouldn't be searching for more all the time. I feel so down when I don't feel loved. Maybe that's why i dont go more than 2 weeks without a stable boyfriend. I can't stand to be alone. I need someone to be there for me always. Although sometimes i wish i was free from commitment. I want the good end of both sticks. I want everything. I guess i dont really know what I want. How can i feel complete?