The Urge

I had a growing epiphany lying in bed awake last night. I thought the situation that begun as fun and games, shits and giggles may actually be something more. All the elements are here, holy shit, this could really be something beautiful.

That familiar feeling when you have lots to say but you hold it in for the right moment to awkwardly blurt it out. You tell yourself 'ill say it when this happens, when that happens, I'm too shy.. oh next time' and then you don't get a next time or the message initially intented is not communicated or worse, is no longer felt.

Things on my behalf have changed. I don't know if anyone has noticed but there is definetly something in the air. Chemistry. To the disadvantage of some, I care less. I am more selfish than normal. To the advantage of others, I am unusually forgiving - my emotions swinging from anger to being madly in 'loke'. This is bad for me because there is a valid reason why I was angry in the first place and people cant just fuck me up so bad and get away so easily. How dare they put a spin on my emotions like its the Wheel of Fortune.

I know what to do. Let the disadvantaged few know of my concerns, which may not necessarily be the whole truth, let them know I am doing this in their best interest. The advantaged - let them know truth and emotion and leave it at that. They're not in a position to do anything about it anyway. Which will leave me alone. How will I cope. I've become so dependent. Perhaps its time to learn another lesson.

Most of the time I create a little bubble for myself to protect me from being hurt. I love living ignorantly and in denial. I don't know how else to cope. I'm pathetic in that way. However, there are times I go outta my way to find information to hurt me, emotionally speaking of course. I am naturally a hopeful and optimistic person, 'Yes I Can! Yes I Will! Yes IT will!' but sometimes I wanna hurt myself now so later it wont be such a let down. I dont know if in this instance, the 'harden-the-fuck-up' dosage is appropriate.

Oh there, I gone and done it again. Hurt. I immediately back away. Suddenly the my plans are abandoned. It's probably not such a good idea. I'm so confused.

Michael: Did you have a big night last night?

Me: I didn't sleep last night.

Michael: Why not?

Me: My rabbit died!!

Michael: Oh thats why, You didnt seem your normal self

Michael, my face-to-face interviewer at Max Employment, a Centrelink related program designed to keep Australians employed, has only met me once before. Today was the second time. I rocked up to the 9am appointment in home clothes, no make up, eyes black and nose piercing looking painful.

My ipod played a song that reminded me of a certain time driving home to urs in my car. The next soppy love song was Donnell Jones 'All Her Love' (but only half the time) and the 3rd soppy song at Max Employment was some 2000's pop song that I didnt like back then because I found it overtly depressing/attention seeking. But there comes a time when all these shitty soppy songs get to you, every lyric applies to you, and you feel like bursting into tears.

I cant help but feel a great sense of loss. Am I too late to change it?

I wish I didn't have work so I could stay home all day and think about you.