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Airport look outs
We found a sweet airport look out where the aeroplane takes off right at you and flies over the top of your car. The sound is just tolerable and when the aeroplanes are big, they are very close to the ground. If the plane were to crash after landing, we would be the first to die. It's kinda thrilling, doing something you enjoy (watching the plane fly into and then on top of you) and knowing you could be the next Air Crash Investigation victim.
How sad. I find thrills in near death experiences because I feel nothing but numbness.
The last time I came back from holiday I was mega hyped for life. I was so motivated but now its the total opposite. Last night was a shit night and I went home tipsy, when I am at my most sociable and energetic. I went HOME. Nothing to do and no one to do it with. This was shit. I lay in my bed and whatsapped. Thank god for whatsapp. Nevertheless I still felt so alone.
Im sick of asking people, hey what you doing tonight/tomorrow/now, lets hang out, what do you wanna do, where do you wanna go, I WANT SHEESHA and then getting rejected. I need more friends. You realise that everybody has their own lives and you've gotta entertain yourself most of the time. I dont like that. I like company. Otherwise i get depressed.
I recall this sick desperation to meet people. The extremes we go to, dodgy chat rooms, bars getting drunk so talk is easier, whatever, this is fucking sad.
I was happy to be home after phils. I missed being free to roam without body guards, missed no one staring at me, missed wearing my usual clothes, missed the Aussie foods like parmas, pasta and real fruit juice and i missed the non-polluted air. But when I'm here, I miss hanging around with my black sheep cousins, drinking, affording everything, eating whatever the fuck I wanted..
Going home I wasnt even home yet but I was anticipating the feeling I got yesterday going home early. Helen said it was normal, just book another holiday and look forward to that. Sigh.
I come back to the same surroundings, same people, same feelings, same problems, same work, responsibilities, wake up time.. is this my fucking reality? Why?? Holidays. Thats my kind of reality and this life I'm living now is all a bad dream. I'm gonna make holidays my reality, you bitches can keep sleeping, keep your tossing and turning.
Seeing Philippine Airline flight to Manila today gave me the reoccurring idea of running away to philippines and never come back. I can go to Manila, go to a modelling/TV/advertising agency and apply.. I can learn to speak Tagalog if they like. They'll love me because I'm mistisa, a mixed blood. I can make it big there and never have to face my problems here. I watch the plane lights disappear into the sky.
'Bye Bye'
It's a shame that running away from your problems signifies cowardliness. Maybe I am. Or maybe I just like running.
Most people like getting with their good friends/family and talking about their problems. I may drop little hints and answer your questions but I rarely do more because I'm not comfortable telling anyone the shit I'm on. I share the idea of 'me against this world', 'born alone die alone', 'trust never', kinda shit.
I think that spending time with friends and being happy will help me get over my shit. But on the way home today I felt sad because I know I was coming home to my same old empty bed, wake up with the same ... I cant depend on others to make me feel better. I feel stupid with al the things I buy to make me happy because in the end all that wont make a difference. I'm sad because i feel its all up to me to make me better and I dont know how, when, what, where .. who..
I gotta find something to fill my empty life with. A man isnt fit for living if he hasnt found something to die for. At the moment, I'm scheming how the fuck I'm going to get filthy fucking rich.
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