Who Knew It Would Come To This

This has been an angry, frustrated weekend. It continues to Monday. I'm so fucking angry and I don't have an idea of how to get rid of all this hot air. If I was Vman I'd go to the gym, boxing, arnis so I could bash up some cunts until people held me back and tell me to calm the fuck down. I have nothing to do but scream and clench my jaw, I cannot clench it any harder and this stress is still here. I cant slam doors hard enough.. I punched the corner of my doors to release some negative energy and also injure myself to take the frustation away.. UGHHHH!!!

FUCK

I'm angry because I'm a good person and I have good intentions. Someone has betrayed my trust, humiliated me, hurt my pride, taken something from me, invaded my privacy or gone against my morals and done it in a way that has infuriated me. They did something that was not fair and I have the biggest issues with unfairness and equality. ITS ALL THEYRE FAULT

Dr. Dre angry music is pumping on my computer, my volume is on max but its not loud enough. Dr. Dre isnt angry enough for my mood. I'm power-walking around my house, pulling my hair, rapidly changing directions. I can taste it at the back of my throat again, i feel like I need to vomit but theres not enough down there. I want to bash something, cut something up, scream til I'm exhausted, crash my car into a garage door. I want to run my sisters rug over with a lawn mower to fuck it up. I want to destroy something beautiful so I can feel fucking normal again. I want something else to feel the pain I'm going through!!!!

And then in the end I want to cry because after all the destruction, and when the physical pain settles in because the brain has no more morphine, I am still helpless. Still. But now I'm injured in ways that arent just superficial. How pathetic. I'm worse than before. I still have the same fucking problem and the only way I want to solve it is by running away to the Philippines and leaving everything behind. No one, not even me can make me better. Now I think that maybe, its not their fault.. It's my fault. I'm in the wrong. Where do I stand?? So confused.

Angriness to pathetic in less than 5 minutes.

DEFEATED. If you wanna knock me down, bash my head in, yell your abuse at me, now is your chance. I won't fight back.

I cant tell anyone about it. They love it when I'm down. I cant tell my friends, they dont understand. I hate that crying is the only thing I know that brings me back to zero. I hate crying because I'm so much fucking stronger than that. I've become immune to all the shit I get from people who I know will treat me like shit. But once in a while, someone who means something to me will also seem like their treating me like shit. Thats when it cuts and hurts the most. I let my guard down to welcome you into my life, and you fucked me over. I'm so stupid. You're so selfish.

'Sometimes you need to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve'

As much as I say I can and will, I cant just shut you out of my life. You mean something to me. And honestly, I just want to be your friend. It makes me angry and sad that I have to fight for it. I dont know if its worth fighting for anymore, especially if your not fighting for me. I'm so very upset. Words cannot express. This is so unfair for me.


I hope you read this. Of all my posts, this one means the most.

Lemme know whatsup because I'm giving up on you.