Now That I'm Sober You Ain't That Fine

Success is when your no means no and your yes means yes

and you can stick to your word

I want everyone to get fucked up with me.

I've got 32 minutes before the battery of my laptop runs out. That means I have 32 minutes to blog. Today at work I was busy. Our 20 max box delivery turned out to be 35 boxes + the 12 box unexpected delivery from Spencer Street. I work continuously without a lunch break so I can leave just that little bit early. It's good leaving before 4pm because I dont hit peak hour trains. Although you do hit school kids on the train home.

A thought occurred to me at work today as I was shifting shoe boxes around. Something I said to vman before we became boyfriend and girlfriend but after we had already gotten together. I told him becoming boyfriend/girlfriend is pointless because the next stage of that process is to either get over each other and break up or get married. Both seemed like dead end options to me so why start something that was gonna hit a brick wall anyway? Vman was annoyed with my explanation. He gave the example of his brother and his girlfriend, they have been together for ~15 years and have three children together, and a house.

The idea of falling in love and staying in love with the same person for the rest of your life is difficult for me to grasp. Feelings and circumstances are always changing, how can you feel the same way about that person forever? You might feel that you can for a few moments, your heart will really believe that this is the truth. Give it a few years and see if your feelings are still strong. Its amazing how some couples can stay together happily ever after, its rare to see old couples still in love.

I'm not saying that unconditional love does not exist because I'm a lover not a hater. I am saying that unconditional love and staying happily in love with one person for years is an occurrence that happens maybe once in 100 couples. Or more.

Being the hopeful, ambitious and idealistic me, I am surprised at my pessimistic stance towards committed long term relationships. I suspect it takes root from past failed relationships where I was the one who was fully in love and dedicated and then devastatingly shut down. I hated it. I hate rejection after offering myself the way I did. I hated giving my time, effort.. everything they wanted because I loved them so much and have it come to an end because they wanted it to. Ugh. The way I see it, if I give them emotional significance, I am giving them a chance to stab me in the back and trusting them not to. Oh how I felt like shit when they betrayed me. Now in relationships I am the one who cares the least. I choose people who want me more than I want them, or if vice versa at least I won't show it. Never again because I'm scared of giving my all and getting fucked up again.