Hitting Rock Bottom

What kind of mother, in her right state of mind, would threaten to kill her daughter if she 'misbehaved'? Well thats what the mum did yesterday on the drive to keilor plains station. She yelled and threatened to drive the car into something so we would have a car crash in which I would be fatally wounded. is there some kind of child protection agency that i can report this to? this is the 2nd time i have had my life threatened. i would never thought this kind of threat would come from my own mum. Mum, who nurtured me from birth and was now wanting to take my life from me. I am only 20 years old.

and after that she whacked me in the face with the back of her knuckles.

it all started becoz i was running late for the train. i needed to be dropped off at keilor plains as I would miss the train that departed from watergardens. the drive to keilor plains is approximately 1km longer than the drive to watergardens. this difference made a big deal to mum who hated driving me to keilor plains. knowing this, i ASKED her if she would drive the extra distance, and made her well aware that if she didnt, then watergardens would be just fine. she agreed to drive to keilor plains but the half the ride there was complaining about why she had to do it.

i asked to her, if she didnt want to drive the extra 1km distance, why did she willingly agree? she said she wanted me to make the train. i said, i am going to make the train now, why are you complaining? she said because she had to take me to keilor plains, then i said, why would u agree if you didnt want to? it was a cycle that went on and on which eventually lead to a much bigger fight.

my point was, if u didnt wanna drive the extra distance - then dont. if you did, then dont complain. her point is always - im right you're wrong and 'STOP TREATING ME LIKE A CHILD', an outburst that came out of nowhere.

her anger was apparent in the volume of her voice. she screamed 'STOP SHOUTING AT ME' and i said, 'mum, listen to your own voice, it is louder than mine'. she then brought up all the things she (currently) hated about me:

1. that i applied for a study tour with uni to France and the UK
2. that i had a bar job which required me to work late nights..
3. meaning i didnt have time for house work
4. that after work, i stay up late doing homework which meant i would wake up late..
5. and have no time for house work and always rush to catch the train
6. "You are beautiful, but you have a bad attitude, I've told you that before"

I slammed the car door after I called her a 'gaga' which means 'stupid girl' in spanish/tagalog. A word i am well familiar with in this household.

Mother has, in the past, called me:

1. a "Bitch"
2. "Abusive"
3. "Useless, no-good and hopeless"
4. and when asked if she rather have someone else's children instead of me and Anio answered "Of course!". She decided i was 'hopeless' when i chose to study Communication Design in University instead of what she wanted me to do. When confronted by my brother in front of my disbelieving dad, mum denied it all with "Why would I say that about my own kids?" and called anio a "liar".

Mum has gone mental. Her state of mind is deteriorating with age. I hear a lot about 'putting differences and arguments behind and moving on', after all she is my mum. But really hurtful things like that, coming from her of all people, leaves such an emotional, and worse, psychological effect that I just can't forget. She will not understand or admit it. She won't ever say sorry. I hate her. I hate how she always thinks she's right and lies her way out of things. Or that she will never try to understand what effect the words she says has on us kids.

As much as she will disagree, I hold my tongue in verbal arguments. I also clench my fists in controlled rage and let her hit me. I have all these terrible things to say and i know that one punch to the head can knock her out, but I respect her. It's apparent that she doesn't hold me in the same regard. I heard you shouldn't respect someone who doesnt respect you. I think about all the alternative ways to get her back. Most of the times they are extravagant plans. Ohhhh how she eggs me on.

This morning she pretends like nothing happened and talks to me like normal. I remind her "you threatened to kill me yesterday". Her happy face suddently goes red and her eyes bulge with rage "SORRY??" I repeat what she said. Papa looks at mum with disbelief, so does Ate. Mum spills out her story saying I was 'disrespectful', 'rude', 'abusive' and blah blah blah. Sounded like she was describing herself. I try to tell my story but mum yells over me. No one hears or cares about my side of the story. They don't wanna get involved in fights. And because they have heard her side, and she's mum, they think she's right. Doesn't anyone wanna listen to me???

Now I am so confused. I don't know how to act, should i be hurt or should i just try to forget. I can't, it hurts, It hurt just like the time when she said she would rather someone's kids than us. I feel unwanted. I want to run away but where do i go? I hate crying, it shows a sign of weakness. I try to train myself to be mentally strong and have thick skin. But mum got through. what she did makes me cry, i cried on the train from keilor plains to the city. i didnt have tissues so i wiped my snot and tears on my scarf. people where looking at me. Nobody cares. What do I do..